Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.14

It's been real.

Breve, Vol.1, Ep.1

I Will Survive ~ Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid I was petrified.
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong.
And I grew strong!
And I learned how to get along!
So now you're back from out of space.
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.

I should have changed that stupid lock!
I should have made you leave your key!
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.

Go on now, go, walk out that door!
Just turn around now‚
cause you're not welcome any more.
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt (crush) me with goodbye?

Did I crumble
Did I lay down and die
Oh no, not I! I will survive!
Oh and as long as I know how to love I know I stay alive.
I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give.
And I'll survive!
I will survive! Hey, hey.

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart.
Kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart!
And I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry!
But now I hold my head up high.
And you see me somebody new!
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you.

And so you feel like droppin' in,
and just expect me to be free,
now I'm saving all my loving for someone who is loving me!

Go on now...

Degree, Vol.1, Ep.1

Alright, friends! With my post about cookie dough yesterday, I was feeling really hungry and thought I'd share my super duper secret recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies!  Make sure you have lots of milk, these babies are mouth-watering!

The secret to superior chocolate chip cookies is undercooking, it sounds gross, it's not. 

It's pulling the cookies out of the oven right after the edges begin to turn brown.  You can't tell anyone, cause it sounds gross and they question whether they should be eating the cookies. It's perfectly safe.  

So, besides that my recipe is essentially the same as the one on the back of Nestle Toll House chips. (the only chocolate chips I use, by the way) And that is my secret to amazing chocolate chip cookies.

Here is the recipe with more specifics:

2 sticks of sweet cream salted butter (not margarine) melted in the microwave for like 30 seconds.

Add 

3/4 cup of white sugar

3/4 cup of brown sugar

2 eggs

1 tsp of vanilla

1 tsp of salt (or less if you are Tina)

1 tsp of baking soda 

Stir by hand. 

I don't use a mixer for cookies, it's just lazy. 

Add 

2 1/4 cup of flour a half cup at a time, 

Hold the 1/4 cup of flour if the dough seems too thick and [optional] add 1 - 1 1/2 cups of old fashioned oats oatmeal.

Add 

chocolate chips (the whole regular size bag - no halfsies like some people do - they crazy!) 

And I substitute pecans for the walnuts.  

Sometimes I put in all of the flour and the oatmeal - but if you want smooth chocolate chip cookies, hold off on the nuts and the oatmeal.  

Bake at 375 for 6-8 minutes, watch the oven like a hawk and pounce when the middle of the cookies appears congealed and the edges are barely brown.  Let cool (read: finish cooking) for 10 to 15 minutes.  And don't forget to lick the spoon after you've baked as much as you can.  :)

the end

Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.13

My second favorite way to eat cookie dough, buried in vanilla ice cream, and covered in chocolate syrup. Yum!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.12

A loving spoonful.

I love cookie dough.

I think it might be, wait... Yes. Chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite thing in the world.

It's probably the gooeyness and the intense amount of sugar. And of course, the chocolateness and nuttiness. (I always put pecans in mine.)

Most of all, I love chocolate chip cookie dough because it's so good but so bad at the same time.  I feel immediately that I'm doing something naughty, but it tastes so good I just can't help myself.

And I'm so silly.

If I waited until the dough was baked, I would have delicious warm chocolate chip cookies.  Cookies that last for days!  Cookie dough goes sour or dries up if I try to save it.  (And believe me, I've tried!)

In order to make cookies, I have to preheat the oven. 375º no more, no less.  The environment must be prepared and perfect.

And I have to wait.  I think that's what makes cookie dough so much more alluring.  No waiting.  Mix together some random [carefully measured] ingredients and BOOM! A delicious treat to bring me bliss, albeit temporary, since one bite is never enough.

I don't know why I hate waiting so much, maybe because I'm an American and I typically don't have to wait for anything.  Every want is instantaneously met. (And shooting rabbit!)

However, cookie dough must be baked thoroughly to fulfill it's intended purpose: to become a cookie.  It's worth the wait once I have the cookie. But it's hard to look at that dough and not take a little taste.  Just to hold me over.

Of course, I always regret it.  Especially, once the cookies are baked and I'm suddenly too full to enjoy them.  And I look at my pitiful pile of baked cookies and realize that most of my intended cookies have already been devoured before they were ready.

Intimacy is like cookie dough.

I want intimacy.

I want to be indescribably close to someone.

And when I get the opportunity to have that feeling, even for a moment, I want to take it!

I want to tell him a secret, something I've never breathed to anyone.  I want to trust him completely.  I want to take his hand while we watch a movie.  I want to let him hold me deep in his embrace when I feel like crying.  etc.

But, afterward, I don't like the feeling that I've given something away to someone that wasn't intended for him.

I don't like knowing that I have done something that I wasn't ready for.  I thought I was ready, but I have been wrong every time.

And I don't want to go through my life, eating cookie dough, and have nothing left to put in the cookie jar for my future husband.

Now what?

I'm going to have to think about it.  And probably make some difficult decisions about how I relate to men.  There is one way that intimacy isn't like cookies, I can't just make more.  I only have one heart to give, and it get's smaller every time I give a piece away to someone who won't receive all of it.

Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.12

Happy Sunday!

Jump for joy today!

Watermark, Vol.2, Ep.1

I know most of you probably know about "follow friday" which is all well and good.  But, personally, I prefer unexpected alliteration - always have.  Thus: It's PHOTO FRIDAY!  Below are some of my favorite photos.  I'm a bit of a photographer so all of these photos were taken, edited, and now copyrighted by me.  (So if you want to share them with others, please do, but please give me a little credit, Thanks!)

Juliet

Dawn

Dallas

Dakota

Farm House

Marsh

Parents

Brothers

A-Team

Teal

Star

Johanna

Kayla

Mwari

Sunflower

Rochester

Iq

Farmer's Market

Ernie

Smile

Sisters

Apostrophe, Vol.26, Ep.57

Hello Friends!

I love Valentine's Day!  It's my holiday!  I feel like everyone has a favorite holiday or time of year and Valentine's Day is mine.  In Wisconsin, where I live, it falls in the dead of winter when everyone has cabin fever and nothing to do except shovel snow and attempt to stay upright while scurrying over the ice from house to car to job and back again.  It's not a joyous time, so I like to bestow a little joy on all of my friends in the form of snail mail.  And this year, if you want a Valentine, I'll send you one!  Direct message me on twitter at @livehappilyever or on tumblr with your address.

This Valentine's Day, my dear friend, Johanna, and I are making dinner for some of our friends.  So if you have any suggestions on how to make this platonic dinner fun and not sad, I'd love to hear them!

Also, as a gift to some of our favorite people, myself, Angela, and a few others are thinking of offering free babysitting but we want to have a little fun with our couple friends so we're making them fill out a questionnaire about their love lives.  Best answers win!  So, we also need suggestions for awesome and heartwarming questions to ask them... so far we're thinking "how did you meet?" and so forth, but if you think of something brilliant. Please let me know!

And there you have three fabulous reasons that I love Valentine's Day!  I love doing things for people: spreading joy, cooking delicious food, and caring for children.  It's just one of the ways that I can show people I care about them.  Too many people focus on the romantic side of Valentine's.  And that's fine.  And I hope someday I'll have something like that, but even then, I still want to spread joy and love and make people feel special!

What are your plans for Valentine's Day?  Need ideas? I have lots!

Love Always,

Charity

Comma Vol.1, Ep.7

Dear Future Husband,

Love You Forever,

Charity Ellen Your Last Name

Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.11

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.11

Total Listening

So now you're going to be the best listener in the world!  Woohoo!

So just to recap:

Good Listeners listen actively, and with empathy, openness, and awareness.

You know how to listen now, but how do you let people know that you're really listening and really care about them and want them to listen to you with as much focus as you listen to them.  Start with the following:

• Maintain good eye contact - not staring, but consistent meeting of the eyes, keep it natural, please!
• Lean slightly forward - slightly.  Who remembers Hitch? "You go 90% and I come 10%." Slightly = 5%.
• Affirm the speaker by nodding or paraphrasing. Be sincere, not a bobble head.
• Clarify by asking questions. One to two questions at a time, and calmly!
• Actively move away from distractions.  Loud music? Spastic dancing? Television? No, thank you!
• Be committed to understanding what was said, even if you're feeling emotional.  If you're feeling overwhelmed, put the conversation on pause, compose yourself, and continue.  Be as committed to the conversation as you are to strengthening your relationship with this person.

If you still don't feel heard, tell the person.  These are your friends, family members, or significant other.  They want a relationship with you, too!  And they need to know you feel ignored, unimportant, unloved, or incompetent.  

Your feelings are valid! 

So tell them!  Give them a chance to listen, too!

Love!

Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.10

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.10

Yay! The 4th and final step to being a good listener!  Most of what is described in this step is done subconsciously, so to make sure you're listening with awareness, give yourself a week or two to practice before allowing it to fade back into a subconscious process.


Listening with Awareness


It's so simple and you probably already listen with awareness, but you may not know that you do.

If you compare what is being said to your own knowledge without judgment, you already listen with awareness.

If you mentally seek congruence in tone and body language, you already listen with awareness.

That's it!

Simple right?

Simple enough, but to be on the safe side, I'll elaborate.

(I love to elaborate!)

In order to listen with awareness, it is important to accept another's communication, compare with what you already know about people, history, events, etc, and simply note how it fits with your own knowledge.

It's important to do this without judgment or pointing out fallacies.

Remember, you are trying to deepen your relationship with this person, correct?  That's difficult to accomplish while pointing out their flaws in logic.  (I'm just saying!)

Second, in order to listen with awareness, it is important to note whether the communication matches the speaker's tone and posture.  If they are describing something happy, they should look and sound happy.  That's called congruence.

If they look relaxed while describing a stressful event, something is amiss.  Being aware will help you note these discrepancies and ask for clarification.  It's okay to tell friends that their body language seems to bely their words.  Asking for clarification will deepen your relationship by increasing the capacity for accurate communication.  In other words, you'll each understand one another better because you are more aware.

How aware are you in conversations?  Is it something you are willing to work on?

Tomorrow's post is about Total Listening.  Mm!  Sounds intriguing! Until then, peace!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.9

Alright, I did it.  I mean, I attempted to do it.  Listen with empathy, that is.  Probably picked the best or worst day to be more thoughtful about it.  Sundays are very busy and often emotionally draining.  However, I made a conscientious attempt and had at least one successful conversation, 1 out of 10.  My percentage will increase with time and practice, I hope.

I'm not sure I'm ready for the next step, but here it is.


Listening with Openness


Seeing this title, I was like, "psh! I've got this!  I'm open!" and then I read the description.  Twice.  Well, I'm not as open as I thought.

Listening with openness is listening without judgment.  It's listening without concern for being proven right or denying being wrong.  It's difficult and goes against every socially constructed instinct.

Listening with openness is hearing the whole statement, entire communication, and "waiting for the period," before forming an opinion or judgment.

Listening with openness is beneficial for many reasons, besides deepening relationships, you learn.  (What's that? Shock! Awe! Learn? Yes! Learn!)  You learn how to discern, how to admit you're wrong, and how to be gracious when you're right.  Learn.

Also, you grow.  (Yes! Grow!)  You can hear opinions that you don't agree with and think about them without changing your mind or leveling a verbal punch at your conversational partner.  Grow!

And you make new friends!  (Okay, if you're over 30 and "at capacity" this may not apply to you, however, those of us who still have beautiful souls would like to make new friends.)  When you listen with openness you accept people with varying viewpoints into your circle, people are interested in you because you listen to them, and they'll start listening to you, too!  See! New friends AND audience!  (Exactly what you wanted to begin with!)

It may be hard for you to listen with openness.  Perhaps you fear being wrong.  Perhaps you don't want to hear unpleasant truths about yourself (Psh! No one does!)

Humble yourself and listen.

Even if you don't now, you'll be humbled soon enough. Judgmental and close-minded people eventually are brought down.  And you don't want to be like that anyway.

Exercise Time!  With someone you trust.  Someone you TRUST!  You can try a reversal.  Pick an old disagreement that is not that explosive.  NOT that explosive.  You each state your side of the argument.  Then reverse sides and argue for the opposite position.  (Don't do this for longer than 5 minutes the first time, 2 minutes if you're hyper-sensitive like me.)  Argue convincingly, really immerse yourself in the opposing argument.  Then, stop arguing and share what each of you experienced.

Find how the other person's point of view makes sense.

You're a cultural anthropologist!  Learn! Grow! Discover! (And make new friends!)

Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.9

Good Sunday Morning!  

Spend a little time with Jesus today and practice those listening skills!

I'll be back tomorrow!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.8

Welcome to Step 2!


Listening with Empathy


Each step is a little more challenging.  Listening with empathy is particularly challenging because it is often confused with sympathy.  Not the same thing.

Sympathy is [feeling] the same [emotions] that the other person is [feeling] from your own perspective.   Empathy requires acknowledging the background, habits, and history of the other person in order to connect on a deeper level.  Empathy is [feeling] the same [emotions] that the other person is [feeling] from his or her perspective.

I put [feeling] in brackets because it is interchangeable with [thinking], [choosing], and [moving], etc.  [Emotions] is interchangeable with [thoughts], [decisions], and [movements], etc.

Empathy is also recognizing that everyone is just trying to survive life.  So even when it is difficult to hear what someone is saying, you recognize that this is someone who is doing everything they can to survive, and you respect that by listening and attempting to connect with them on a personal level.

……………………………………………………………………

>> brief interlude <<

There are theoretically three levels of connection and understanding in relationships.

Surface: The weather, sports, and television are frequently spoken of on this level.

Personal: This level is for family, background, close friends, and shared experiences.

Spiritual: The work of the Holy Spirit, relationship with God, and faith are the areas of connection on this level.


>> returning to regularly scheduled programming <<

……………………………………………………………………

It's important to recognize that often listening with empathy requires internalizing some very negative emotions.  Some people have good survival strategies to deal with the struggles of life.  Others do not.  Take it slow as you expand your capacity to listen with empathy and recognize that you do not need to hold the negative emotions of others, though in relationships, we make efforts to understand and accept them.

There are 3 questions to ask yourself when you are listening with empathy:

• What need is the [emotion] coming from?
• What difficulty is this person experiencing?
• What is he or she asking for?

If you can answer these questions, congratulations!  You are listening!  And with empathy!

This is my personal challenge for today, I'll give you an update tomorrow!

Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.8

Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.7

A few days ago, I wrote a post about listening.  At the time, I was frustrated because I felt unheard.  Through writing that post and some soul searching, I realize that as much as I want others to be better listeners - especially when I talk - I should be a better listener for them.

It takes time to master the "lost art of listening" (great book - I highly recommend it!) so I'm just going to give you a spoonful at a time.  

Start with Active Listening.

Listening is an active process which requires your participation.  In order to truly listen, you must collaborate in the communication process.  

Paraphrase

Focus on what the other person is trying to communicate, then rephrase what you've heard, and ask for confirmation of the intended message.  

Often, I will listen to people talk, assume I understand what they are saying, and simply respond from my own experience.  This moves the conversation rather quickly and participants in the communication process can leave feeling satisfied that they've shared their experience, but unsure if it was understood or accepted.  Which, I mean really?  That's the whole point.  

Sure, some people are happy to just talk, talk, talk.  And, they don't really care if it's understood, or even what the other person thinks, they just enjoy the attention.  

Not true of deep and meaningful relationships.  When someone you care about is speaking, you pause your own thoughts and agenda, hear what they are saying, process in your mind what you think they are communicating, then paraphrase in your response, and ask if you've understood correctly.  

It's a skill that takes time to develop.  The secret is to use your own words and phrasing and/or give a similar example.  

Clarify

When you are unsure if you are understanding correctly, or even if you are sure, clarify.  That means ask if *this* is what they meant.  

It lets the other person know you are truly interested in what is being said and you want to make sure you understand completely.  

Give Feedback

Now, it's your turn to speak.  But, it's not the time to change the subject to something you want to talk about.  Giving feedback is reacting in a nonjudgmental way.  Share your reaction honestly, fully, and briefly.  That may seem like an oxymoron, let me explain.  Be honest, give a whole reaction, but keep it to the point so the communication process can continue unhindered.  (As my mother says, "shoot that rabbit!")

Feedback can be positive or negative, but it ought not to be critical or demeaning of the other person.  

People say things I don't agree with all the time.  That doesn't mean they are misinformed or ridiculous. It means we have a difference of opinion.  And when I provide feedback to them, it is important that I demonstrate respect of their thoughts and ideas even while I share my own differing opinion.  I do not need to attempt to change their mind or convince them with my "facts."

Now it's time to practice!  

Not ready? Paraphrase, clarity, and give feedback in the comment section below.

There's more to listening, stay tuned for my next four blog posts. Peace!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.6

Those listening tips I promised:

Just kidding!  It's a good start but I'll have even better suggestions soon!  Patience!

Caret, Vol.1, Ep.8

In my mind, I think of Jesus as the sun.  God as the giver of life, and Jesus as the sustainer of all living things.  He's big and powerful and could destroy me in a second.  But, He's loving and warm and chases away the demons of darkness.

It's not a standard or widely accepted theology.  It's an analogy.

And I don't believe in the whole "Mother Earth" thing because without God, earth would be just one more floating rock in space.  And without Jesus, I would be just one more soul on it's way to hell.  So I guess, in my astronomical analogy of life and eternity, I'm like earth, nothing special until God created new life in me.

Also, in this analogy, I want to be like the moon so that I can reflect the sun's light to earth.  Reflect Jesus to earth.  Lead others to the center of the universe, bring them to Christ.

It brings a whole new meaning to in the world but not of it.  I'm a floating rock in space, part of the earth, but made of moon.

Did I lose you?

It's an analogy, and it has a few kinks.

The point is, I love the poem from above because it explains how I feel about my Savior.  And I love the moon because it pulls me back to Him.  (Like ocean waves... too much analogy? I know.)

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.5

Is anyone listening?

I mean, really listening?

It's frustrating, isn't it?  To feel like no one is listening to you.  That no one values what you say.

It's frustrating to me.  I feel angry and sad and hurt when I am not listened to.  It leads me to believe that I'm not worth listening to.  That what I say does not have value.  That who I am is not valuable.

A grad school professor often said that all behavioral and emotional problems in "normal and sane" individuals can be traced back to one of two basic beliefs about the self.

"I am unlovable" and "I am incapable."

When I am not listened to, I begin to believe one or both of these maladaptive beliefs.

And in my mind, there are only these two options.

Option 1: That I am incapable of adequately communicating my thoughts and ideas in a way that is acceptable to another person.

Option 2:  That I am unlovable and therefore unworthy of acceptance or attention from another person.

I don't like either of these options.

And it is one of my worst fears that one or both of these are true.  But, what my mind and heart always forget to tell me is that there is secret option 3.

It's the most likely scenario, and it's the truth.

Option 3:  The people I am speaking to are not listening because they are thinking about themselves and not me.  They are thinking about what they are going to say next, how they are being perceived, and when they are finally going to be able to speak again.  The fact that they are not listening to me has nothing to do with who I am, what I've said, or how I've said it.

And if I'm really honest, when they talk, there are times when I'm not listening to them either.

So, how do I get someone to listen to me?

I can't make someone listen to what I say or care about who I am.  But, I can control how I listen and care about them.  If I demonstrate that I am listening intently and I do care about who they are, then we can build a relationship of listening and caring for one another.

It's likely that once I begin to slow the conversation down and really listen to them, they will, in time, listen to me.  And if they continue being oblivious, then, by that time, we will hopefully have a strong enough relationship that I can tell them that I feel ignored when I speak to them.  

It will take time.

It may take more time than I am currently willing to give.

But, it will be worth it because people are worth investing in.

Check back tomorrow for some practical ways to listen.  Peace!

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.56

Hi Friends!

Sorry for my absence the past few weeks, I'm totally going to blog more soon.  I got a little lost but I'm making my way back.  Has that ever happened to you?  I get online, completely ready to blog away and I get caught in the "bermuda triangle of productivity" (see photo).

But I'm back and my little blogless detour has given me lots of thoughts to blog for the next few weeks.  

Enjoy!

Watermark Vol.2, Ep.1

Tilde Vol.1, Ep.1

I love the way you say "goodnight"

I love this movie. Lullaby of Broadway.  And this song is one of my favorites, "I love the way you say goodnight".  

I'm just imagining my life in ten years.  Sitting on my sofa, working on my computer, and then peering around my laptop screen, I see two little girls with blonde curly hair, laying on their stomachs, fascinated by Doris Day and Gene Nelson.  

They watch the television intently until Doris and Gene begin to dance, then my girls, inspired by the music push themselves up and begin to twirl.  The older one says "watch me, mommy" as she spins, the smaller one watches her big sister and then tries to mimic her, calling out the same with much less annunciation.  They spin until the end of the song, throwing their arms out, abandoning their bodies, and then collapse onto the rug, laughing with dizziness.  

The oldest staggers to her feet and pushes up against the sofa to talk to me.  Then she crawls up beside me, resting her head against my arm, watching me type.  The younger continues watching the movie until she realizes that big sis is on the sofa and not wanting to miss out on the mommy action.  She runs over and flips her leg up on the sofa, almost losing her balance three times, she pulls herself up on the sofa and leans against my other arm.  Soon they are asking an endless store of questions, I answer patiently, of course, and then the next song starts and they're quiet again.  

A boy runs in, stopping directly in front of the tv and my older daughter yells for her big brother to move out of the way, he does so, reluctantly, after rolling his eyes.  He drops to the floor with a heave and then as the movie is ending he asks if I heard the baby crying.  I thank him as I get up to go into the nursery and he climbs up in my spot between his little sisters, I come back in holding the baby and wondering at the wonderful blessings sitting on my sofa and held in my arms.  

I smile as they clamor for another movie.  I turn off the tv and urge them to go play outside... and they run in front of me to get their shoes from the rug by the door.  Laughing as they push open the screen door.

Just a dream I have...

Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.5

I don't like to make resolutions.

Like too many people, I give up within a month, a week... a day.

So I don't make resolutions very often.  This year, 2012, I do have one that I think will improve my relationships and my personal character.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I too often jump to negative conclusions or assume the worst.

Especially with those I claim to love.

So this year, this month, this week, and today; when it seems like people I love are doing or saying things I don't understand, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm going to wait, I'm going to ask questions, and I'm going to remember that I love these people and they've proven they love me many times.

Hopefully, as I extend more grace to those I love, they will extend grace to me when I do and say things they don't understand.  Because, let's face it, I'm not perfect and I need even more grace than they do, for sure!

What are your resolutions? Or non-resolutions?

Happy Day One of 2012! 365 to go!

Watermark Vol.1, Ep.7

Super helpful information for all drivers... adjust accordingly.