Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.7

A few days ago, I wrote a post about listening.  At the time, I was frustrated because I felt unheard.  Through writing that post and some soul searching, I realize that as much as I want others to be better listeners - especially when I talk - I should be a better listener for them.

It takes time to master the "lost art of listening" (great book - I highly recommend it!) so I'm just going to give you a spoonful at a time.  

Start with Active Listening.

Listening is an active process which requires your participation.  In order to truly listen, you must collaborate in the communication process.  

Paraphrase

Focus on what the other person is trying to communicate, then rephrase what you've heard, and ask for confirmation of the intended message.  

Often, I will listen to people talk, assume I understand what they are saying, and simply respond from my own experience.  This moves the conversation rather quickly and participants in the communication process can leave feeling satisfied that they've shared their experience, but unsure if it was understood or accepted.  Which, I mean really?  That's the whole point.  

Sure, some people are happy to just talk, talk, talk.  And, they don't really care if it's understood, or even what the other person thinks, they just enjoy the attention.  

Not true of deep and meaningful relationships.  When someone you care about is speaking, you pause your own thoughts and agenda, hear what they are saying, process in your mind what you think they are communicating, then paraphrase in your response, and ask if you've understood correctly.  

It's a skill that takes time to develop.  The secret is to use your own words and phrasing and/or give a similar example.  

Clarify

When you are unsure if you are understanding correctly, or even if you are sure, clarify.  That means ask if *this* is what they meant.  

It lets the other person know you are truly interested in what is being said and you want to make sure you understand completely.  

Give Feedback

Now, it's your turn to speak.  But, it's not the time to change the subject to something you want to talk about.  Giving feedback is reacting in a nonjudgmental way.  Share your reaction honestly, fully, and briefly.  That may seem like an oxymoron, let me explain.  Be honest, give a whole reaction, but keep it to the point so the communication process can continue unhindered.  (As my mother says, "shoot that rabbit!")

Feedback can be positive or negative, but it ought not to be critical or demeaning of the other person.  

People say things I don't agree with all the time.  That doesn't mean they are misinformed or ridiculous. It means we have a difference of opinion.  And when I provide feedback to them, it is important that I demonstrate respect of their thoughts and ideas even while I share my own differing opinion.  I do not need to attempt to change their mind or convince them with my "facts."

Now it's time to practice!  

Not ready? Paraphrase, clarity, and give feedback in the comment section below.

There's more to listening, stay tuned for my next four blog posts. Peace!