I love cookie dough.
I think it might be, wait... Yes. Chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite thing in the world.
It's probably the gooeyness and the intense amount of sugar. And of course, the chocolateness and nuttiness. (I always put pecans in mine.)
Most of all, I love chocolate chip cookie dough because it's so good but so bad at the same time. I feel immediately that I'm doing something naughty, but it tastes so good I just can't help myself.
And I'm so silly.
If I waited until the dough was baked, I would have delicious warm chocolate chip cookies. Cookies that last for days! Cookie dough goes sour or dries up if I try to save it. (And believe me, I've tried!)
In order to make cookies, I have to preheat the oven. 375ยบ no more, no less. The environment must be prepared and perfect.
And I have to wait. I think that's what makes cookie dough so much more alluring. No waiting. Mix together some random [carefully measured] ingredients and BOOM! A delicious treat to bring me bliss, albeit temporary, since one bite is never enough.
I don't know why I hate waiting so much, maybe because I'm an American and I typically don't have to wait for anything. Every want is instantaneously met. (And shooting rabbit!)
However, cookie dough must be baked thoroughly to fulfill it's intended purpose: to become a cookie. It's worth the wait once I have the cookie. But it's hard to look at that dough and not take a little taste. Just to hold me over.
Of course, I always regret it. Especially, once the cookies are baked and I'm suddenly too full to enjoy them. And I look at my pitiful pile of baked cookies and realize that most of my intended cookies have already been devoured before they were ready.
Intimacy is like cookie dough.
I want intimacy.
I want to be indescribably close to someone.
And when I get the opportunity to have that feeling, even for a moment, I want to take it!
I want to tell him a secret, something I've never breathed to anyone. I want to trust him completely. I want to take his hand while we watch a movie. I want to let him hold me deep in his embrace when I feel like crying. etc.
But, afterward, I don't like the feeling that I've given something away to someone that wasn't intended for him.
I don't like knowing that I have done something that I wasn't ready for. I thought I was ready, but I have been wrong every time.
And I don't want to go through my life, eating cookie dough, and have nothing left to put in the cookie jar for my future husband.
Now what?
I'm going to have to think about it. And probably make some difficult decisions about how I relate to men. There is one way that intimacy isn't like cookies, I can't just make more. I only have one heart to give, and it get's smaller every time I give a piece away to someone who won't receive all of it.
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