Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.5

Is anyone listening?

I mean, really listening?

It's frustrating, isn't it?  To feel like no one is listening to you.  That no one values what you say.

It's frustrating to me.  I feel angry and sad and hurt when I am not listened to.  It leads me to believe that I'm not worth listening to.  That what I say does not have value.  That who I am is not valuable.

A grad school professor often said that all behavioral and emotional problems in "normal and sane" individuals can be traced back to one of two basic beliefs about the self.

"I am unlovable" and "I am incapable."

When I am not listened to, I begin to believe one or both of these maladaptive beliefs.

And in my mind, there are only these two options.

Option 1: That I am incapable of adequately communicating my thoughts and ideas in a way that is acceptable to another person.

Option 2:  That I am unlovable and therefore unworthy of acceptance or attention from another person.

I don't like either of these options.

And it is one of my worst fears that one or both of these are true.  But, what my mind and heart always forget to tell me is that there is secret option 3.

It's the most likely scenario, and it's the truth.

Option 3:  The people I am speaking to are not listening because they are thinking about themselves and not me.  They are thinking about what they are going to say next, how they are being perceived, and when they are finally going to be able to speak again.  The fact that they are not listening to me has nothing to do with who I am, what I've said, or how I've said it.

And if I'm really honest, when they talk, there are times when I'm not listening to them either.

So, how do I get someone to listen to me?

I can't make someone listen to what I say or care about who I am.  But, I can control how I listen and care about them.  If I demonstrate that I am listening intently and I do care about who they are, then we can build a relationship of listening and caring for one another.

It's likely that once I begin to slow the conversation down and really listen to them, they will, in time, listen to me.  And if they continue being oblivious, then, by that time, we will hopefully have a strong enough relationship that I can tell them that I feel ignored when I speak to them.  

It will take time.

It may take more time than I am currently willing to give.

But, it will be worth it because people are worth investing in.

Check back tomorrow for some practical ways to listen.  Peace!

Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.5

I don't like to make resolutions.

Like too many people, I give up within a month, a week... a day.

So I don't make resolutions very often.  This year, 2012, I do have one that I think will improve my relationships and my personal character.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I too often jump to negative conclusions or assume the worst.

Especially with those I claim to love.

So this year, this month, this week, and today; when it seems like people I love are doing or saying things I don't understand, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm going to wait, I'm going to ask questions, and I'm going to remember that I love these people and they've proven they love me many times.

Hopefully, as I extend more grace to those I love, they will extend grace to me when I do and say things they don't understand.  Because, let's face it, I'm not perfect and I need even more grace than they do, for sure!

What are your resolutions? Or non-resolutions?

Happy Day One of 2012! 365 to go!

Caret Vol.1, Ep.7

It's okay to fail.

I've failed at a lot of things this past year.

If I were to chart out personal failures vs. personal successes, the failures would outweigh the successes by at least double.

In fact, I've failed at "failing" - I fail, but then I make it worse by reacting negatively thusly doubling the failure.

However, after this past year, I no longer see failure as a bad thing.  (At least, I'm continuing to alter my attitude toward failure.)

When I fail, it means I tried.  I tried something that I wasn't sure I would be good at.  I did my best and it wasn't enough to claim success.  But, I tried.  And I'm proud of that.

It's a super personal thing, maybe you can relate.

I've never tried anything - honest - that I knew I would fail.

I've always played it safe.  Until 2011.

No more playing it safe.  I jump in and I say "yes" to nearly every question.  (I'll try pretty much anything, but I'm not irresponsible or dumb.)

I said "yes" to bird-sitting even though I've been terrified of birds since kindergarten. (I had a bad experience.)  And I was awful those first few weeks.  I thought I would go insane.  I failed!

And out of my failure to be an amazing -scratch that- rudimentary "bird-sitter," God succeeded.  He brought me to my knees and I was completely dependent on Him.  He brought me to the realization that this feisty parrot was His creation, and my care for Simon was part of God's plan.  I was going to learn what God wanted me to learn through Simon, no matter how frustrated and discouraged I felt.  I failed by myself, but I succeeded through God.

I failed to find a job over the last four months, even now, I feel like I'm failing. "I should have tried harder." "A bad economy isn't an excuse." "I'm just lazy." These are the thoughts that fill my mind and keep my awake at night.  I'm still learning what God's plan is through this period of my life.

I failed in several relationships this year.  I let things slide because it was too painful or I was too lazy.  I hate admitting that to myself, even more so to my friends who must feel I've disappeared off the face of the earth.  I don't like failing at relationships.  That is the one thing I've consistently done well; maintaining connections with people, even when we're separated by many miles.  Or at least, I thought I did.

I've failed in my relationship with God most of all.  Yes, I depended heavily on Him while I was going through a rough time, but once things got better, my desire for Him lessened.  I truly feel like I'm a "bad weather" Christian - and that is a huge failure to me.  I want to interrupt this cycle, to praise Him when things are coming together AND falling apart.

It's difficult to be out of control.  It feels awful to fail.

But I enjoy the small successes so much more now.

I got a temp job.  It's not a big thing to most people, but it's exciting to me.  It opens up a whole new world of experiences and opportunities.

Even in my failure, God lifts me up and brings me closer to Him.

I'm willing to try it, but it's God who will succeed.

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.4

I am so excited to be in Wheaton this weekend. I have the opportunity to take care of Simon for a few days, plus I get a free place to stay near friends without having to impose on anyone.

I took care of Simon for six months while his family was in Peru. Simon is a beautiful macaw. We had our struggles at first. Lots of biting and screeching, etc. But within a month or too, we had really bonded and would sing together while I did housework or went for walks around the yard. I'm hoping he remembers me and I don't have to spend the entire weekend dodging his sharp beak. Simon's family lives in the most wonderful old farmhouse with lots of bedrooms, a secret staircase, and a wine cellar. It's one of my favorite houses of all time. I'm really looking forward to having a little - okay, a LOT - of space to myself. It was a weird transition moving back to my parent's home: going from an empty house to a full house (Loved that show!) with people in and out and around all of the time! Somedays, I'm still not used to it.

I'm also really excited to hang out with my friend, Katie. She's awesome! So creative and sweet! She just opened an etsy shop called "Under the Redwood Tree" and you should totally check it out. And her blog, "Work in Progress" where she showcases all of the creative things she does and keeps everyone updated on her busy life. Katie and I had coffee nearly every week while we were in grad school. We loved getting our favorite drink at Starbucks and then perusing the various shops nearby, searching for inspiration and special treasures. We originally met and became close through our "triad" - a semester long group project. The other third of our triad was Justina and I'm hoping she'll be around this weekend, too, though it's unlikely as she lives farther away than I do. (Below: our triad at graduation last spring)

I'm hoping to see other grad school friends as well. But I really miss my boys! I was their nanny for two years (all thru grad school) and it's been weird not seeing them everyday. We skype occasionally, but it's not the same. (Below: Aaki and Ash hold a valentine they made)

And that's really what this post is about, I guess. I was really close to some of the people in my cohort. For the first year and half of the second, we saw each other at least twice a week because we had all of our classes together. But apart from Katie, Justina, and a few others, I didn't have nearly the depth of relationship with my fellow graduate students that I had with Ash, Aaki, their mom, and their neighbors.

And I think the reason that it was like that makes sense. I lived life with Ash and Aaki.

Whereas I merely interacted with graduate school, most of the time. I was friends with my fellow students while I was at school, I was happy to randomly see a familiar face outside of school, and I found it diverting to socialize with them. But it wasn't real life. At least not for me.

In fact, I lived with a few students for about a year. And it was frustrating to live separate but parallel lives, in the same house, with the same group of friends, and going to the same classes. We weren't living life together. We all had separate jobs, separate internship sites, separate cars, separate churches, and separate routines. Even now, I don't know what I could have done differently to live life together with them.

I guess, what I'm saying and thinking about, in regards to relationships is in order for relationships to grow, be maintained, and flourish, there must be consistency, consideration, and collaboration. (3C's)

Consistency: I cared for Ash and Aaki everyday, morning and afternoon for two years. Every morning, we read the bible and ate breakfast together and every afternoon, we had the same routine: put stuff away, change clothes, snack, homework, play, dinner, play, bedtime story, sleep. They knew me and I knew them because we did the humdrum of life together.

The reason Katie and I became such good friends is we made a point to meet every week for coffee: same time, same place. 10:30 am, every Wednesday, Starbucks. And talked. We talked and listened and thought about we how were talking and listening.

Consideration: If Ash or Aaki had a meltdown, or I had a headache, our routine shifted to accommodate new developments. Sometimes it made us late, but that really only bothered me and their teachers, and that's life.

Between Katie and I, it was okay for one, or often both, of us to raincheck our normal coffee date time. Life happens. And when it did, we understood and made plans to meet another time during the week or skip it. No one got mad, or hurt, or upset. We just picked up where we left off the next week.

Collaboration: I always strived to allow Ash and Aaki to have a strong sense of self determination, especially when they had behaved well enough to earn a special treat or outing. But it's different relationship between an adult and children, than it is between two friends. Even so, I felt it was important for our relationship that their opinions were given weight and, if earned, they got to do what they wanted to do if it was within my power to make it happen.

During the summer, it was at first difficult to find a time to meet for coffee that worked with both Katie's and my busy schedules. But we sat down, put our heads together and made it work because our relationship was important to us. We were both willing to sacrifice some non-essential activities in order to connect. It was a priority.

Relationships that don't work; that fizzle or implode, often do so because one or both parties do not prioritize the relationship. So, if a relationship is important to you, treat it as such, take it out to coffee, or just live life with it conscientiously. Let your relationships know that they are important to you. Today. (Challenge extended.)

(If you're in the Wheaton area and would like to see me this weekend, please give me a call or fb me here. Thanks!)

Caret Vol.1, Ep.5

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will go strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

That's one of my favorite worship songs. Whenever I begin to feel overwhelmed, I hum the tune to myself. Close my eyes and roll the words around in my mind. I lift my face to heaven and instantly feel a warmth like sunshine spread over me. It feels like Jesus is smiling at me and I automatically smile back, take a deep breath, and open my eyes, ready for anything because He's with me.

That's a really powerful idea for me. Someone on my same side. I've always been very independent. Happy to have friends near me, but just as content to be on my own. When faced with adversity, I'm not afraid to stand alone. In fact, I often come to the aid of those who are in need. I join their side. I have no stake in their argument, but I believe in a fair fight and I commit to whatever we're fighting for.

It happens, then, because I seem so strong, that many don't recognize my need and I am too proud, independent, and self-sufficient to ask. At least to ask anyone else. (I'm working on it...) When I depend only on myself, I falter and faint. Completely spent, I collapse inside myself. That's when I turn to Him. Knowing Jesus is with me. That He's going to fight for me. We're on the same side. And He's going to win! He renews my strength and I soar like eagle's wings.

It's Monday. (That's enough for me to want to toss in the towel right there.)

I don't have a job. I'm running out of money. I'm single. I live with my parents.

But I'm turning my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross scorning that shame (oh snap!) and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2 and a shout out to my camp timber-lee oak ridge thug thursday ladies)

Jesus is with me. He's got this.

Caret Vol.1, Ep.3

Outline from today's sermon at church:
What's my top priority?
Mark 12:28-34

And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, "Which commandment is the most important of all?" Jesus answered, "The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." And the scribe said to him, "You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that he is one, and there is no other besides him. And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength, and to love one's neighbor as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices." And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, "You are not far from the kingdom of God." And after that no one dared to ask him any more questions. (Mark 12:28-34 ESV)

1. When our view of God is small, our spiritual life will be mediocre.

2. We are to wholly love God.
a. We must love God with pure devotion.
b. We are to love God passionately.
c. We are to love God intellectually.
d. We are to love God powerfully lived out.

3. If we love God, we still love our neighbor.

4. Internal attitude is more important than external actions.