Apostrophe, Vol.26, Ep.75

I go back and forth on the whole swearing thing.

Sometimes, I don't see the problem, and I think to myself "what's the big deal? they're only words."

And other times, I feel really convicted and remember verses that my mother likes to quote like "out of the heart the mouth speaks" or something like that.

She's not referring only to swearing, of course, she says that every time I rip someone a new one with my rapier wit and sharp tongue.  I do have a sharp tongue.  And I think I do hurt people's feelings.

I am sorry.  Afterward.

But typically, in the moment, I am enraged at the injustice that I perceive.  Or the idiocy.  Or both.

I'm awful if it's both.  Laughably awful.  I say horrible things that are horribly funny and people laugh, not because they agree, though the might, but because what I said was so hilariously and awfully true.

Yeah.

That's not speaking the truth in love.

Being funny doesn't mean I'm right, and speaking truth harshly, doesn't help the person I am speaking to or about.

And I want to be helpful.

I want to be nice.

I guess that brings me back to the whole swearing thing.

I have used swear words before.  I have even used faux swear words... a lot.

And I feel better for a while.  But then I don't.

I know that people think less of me when I swear, and no, I don't really care what other people think.

But...

I'm a Christian.  And I don't want people to think less of Jesus because I swear.

I don't want people to think less of Jesus because I am uncharitable in how I speak of others.

I don't want to stand in someone's way of discovering the truth about Christ.

And while I don't care what people think about me, I care what they think about Jesus.

So I'm not going to swear and I'm going to speak truth in love.

Even when people are acting unjustly or dumb.

That's my challenge for today.

Where do you stand on the whole "swearing" issue?

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.56

Hi Friends!

Sorry for my absence the past few weeks, I'm totally going to blog more soon.  I got a little lost but I'm making my way back.  Has that ever happened to you?  I get online, completely ready to blog away and I get caught in the "bermuda triangle of productivity" (see photo).

But I'm back and my little blogless detour has given me lots of thoughts to blog for the next few weeks.  

Enjoy!

Caret Vol.1, Ep.7

It's okay to fail.

I've failed at a lot of things this past year.

If I were to chart out personal failures vs. personal successes, the failures would outweigh the successes by at least double.

In fact, I've failed at "failing" - I fail, but then I make it worse by reacting negatively thusly doubling the failure.

However, after this past year, I no longer see failure as a bad thing.  (At least, I'm continuing to alter my attitude toward failure.)

When I fail, it means I tried.  I tried something that I wasn't sure I would be good at.  I did my best and it wasn't enough to claim success.  But, I tried.  And I'm proud of that.

It's a super personal thing, maybe you can relate.

I've never tried anything - honest - that I knew I would fail.

I've always played it safe.  Until 2011.

No more playing it safe.  I jump in and I say "yes" to nearly every question.  (I'll try pretty much anything, but I'm not irresponsible or dumb.)

I said "yes" to bird-sitting even though I've been terrified of birds since kindergarten. (I had a bad experience.)  And I was awful those first few weeks.  I thought I would go insane.  I failed!

And out of my failure to be an amazing -scratch that- rudimentary "bird-sitter," God succeeded.  He brought me to my knees and I was completely dependent on Him.  He brought me to the realization that this feisty parrot was His creation, and my care for Simon was part of God's plan.  I was going to learn what God wanted me to learn through Simon, no matter how frustrated and discouraged I felt.  I failed by myself, but I succeeded through God.

I failed to find a job over the last four months, even now, I feel like I'm failing. "I should have tried harder." "A bad economy isn't an excuse." "I'm just lazy." These are the thoughts that fill my mind and keep my awake at night.  I'm still learning what God's plan is through this period of my life.

I failed in several relationships this year.  I let things slide because it was too painful or I was too lazy.  I hate admitting that to myself, even more so to my friends who must feel I've disappeared off the face of the earth.  I don't like failing at relationships.  That is the one thing I've consistently done well; maintaining connections with people, even when we're separated by many miles.  Or at least, I thought I did.

I've failed in my relationship with God most of all.  Yes, I depended heavily on Him while I was going through a rough time, but once things got better, my desire for Him lessened.  I truly feel like I'm a "bad weather" Christian - and that is a huge failure to me.  I want to interrupt this cycle, to praise Him when things are coming together AND falling apart.

It's difficult to be out of control.  It feels awful to fail.

But I enjoy the small successes so much more now.

I got a temp job.  It's not a big thing to most people, but it's exciting to me.  It opens up a whole new world of experiences and opportunities.

Even in my failure, God lifts me up and brings me closer to Him.

I'm willing to try it, but it's God who will succeed.

Comma Vol.1, Ep.6

Dear Wheaton House,

Just wanted to write you a little note to thank you.  I love all of your fanciful attributes and unique characteristics.  You gave me an escape that I desperately needed, almost a year ago, and now.  And you set me right.  You provided me the opportunity to gain some much needed perspective.  You were the vehicle that God used to demonstrate His faithfulness, provision, and unending love.

I love your beautiful hardwood floors, the plush carpet on the stairs, and the cool tile in the kitchen that shocked me awake every morning.  The curved banister, frosted glass front door, and that wide porch where Simon and I would sit and watch the world.  Love!

Yes, you fostered my first positive experience with a bird, and an exotic one at that!  Simon.  There are definitely moments that I miss him.  I miss the automatic "hello" every time I come in through the front door.  I miss singing as I cook and hearing him singing along with me.  I miss dancing with Simon on my shoulder or spinning while he clutches the back of my shirt.  I even miss the hair pulling and constant chatter when he wants attention.  (I do not miss the screeching and attempted biting.)

Thank you for being a daily adventure.  I loved discovering something new every day.  The secret staircase. The wine cellar. And that closet under the front steps that seemed like a secret passage way into the study.

Thank you for the large rooms and high ceilings, I loved the acoustics and space to twirl.

Thank you for the french doors, walking through them made me feel so regal.

Thank you for the old fashioned bathtub with claw feet, it made bathing so much more alluring.

Thank you for the two closets in my room, I have way too much stuff but you never held that against me.

Thank you for the amazing kitchen, seriously, the most counter space I've ever seen in my life, and I had to work to fill every inch of it!

Thank you for the automatic ice maker, it's a luxury I will never take for granted.

Thank you for the wide porch roof that kept my car free of snow, saved me from the embarrassment of being late many times!

Thank you for the big yard, the flowers, and those huge trees that fortified my safe harbor.

You really are one of the best houses I've ever had the pleasure of living in.  Despite the long driveway that nearly killed me to shovel after the blizzard.  (4 hours!)

Someday, I hope I have a house as cool as you.

I miss you and Simon already.

Your temporary housesitter,

Charity (you know, the one who like to rearrange all of the furniture)

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.4

I am so excited to be in Wheaton this weekend. I have the opportunity to take care of Simon for a few days, plus I get a free place to stay near friends without having to impose on anyone.

I took care of Simon for six months while his family was in Peru. Simon is a beautiful macaw. We had our struggles at first. Lots of biting and screeching, etc. But within a month or too, we had really bonded and would sing together while I did housework or went for walks around the yard. I'm hoping he remembers me and I don't have to spend the entire weekend dodging his sharp beak. Simon's family lives in the most wonderful old farmhouse with lots of bedrooms, a secret staircase, and a wine cellar. It's one of my favorite houses of all time. I'm really looking forward to having a little - okay, a LOT - of space to myself. It was a weird transition moving back to my parent's home: going from an empty house to a full house (Loved that show!) with people in and out and around all of the time! Somedays, I'm still not used to it.

I'm also really excited to hang out with my friend, Katie. She's awesome! So creative and sweet! She just opened an etsy shop called "Under the Redwood Tree" and you should totally check it out. And her blog, "Work in Progress" where she showcases all of the creative things she does and keeps everyone updated on her busy life. Katie and I had coffee nearly every week while we were in grad school. We loved getting our favorite drink at Starbucks and then perusing the various shops nearby, searching for inspiration and special treasures. We originally met and became close through our "triad" - a semester long group project. The other third of our triad was Justina and I'm hoping she'll be around this weekend, too, though it's unlikely as she lives farther away than I do. (Below: our triad at graduation last spring)

I'm hoping to see other grad school friends as well. But I really miss my boys! I was their nanny for two years (all thru grad school) and it's been weird not seeing them everyday. We skype occasionally, but it's not the same. (Below: Aaki and Ash hold a valentine they made)

And that's really what this post is about, I guess. I was really close to some of the people in my cohort. For the first year and half of the second, we saw each other at least twice a week because we had all of our classes together. But apart from Katie, Justina, and a few others, I didn't have nearly the depth of relationship with my fellow graduate students that I had with Ash, Aaki, their mom, and their neighbors.

And I think the reason that it was like that makes sense. I lived life with Ash and Aaki.

Whereas I merely interacted with graduate school, most of the time. I was friends with my fellow students while I was at school, I was happy to randomly see a familiar face outside of school, and I found it diverting to socialize with them. But it wasn't real life. At least not for me.

In fact, I lived with a few students for about a year. And it was frustrating to live separate but parallel lives, in the same house, with the same group of friends, and going to the same classes. We weren't living life together. We all had separate jobs, separate internship sites, separate cars, separate churches, and separate routines. Even now, I don't know what I could have done differently to live life together with them.

I guess, what I'm saying and thinking about, in regards to relationships is in order for relationships to grow, be maintained, and flourish, there must be consistency, consideration, and collaboration. (3C's)

Consistency: I cared for Ash and Aaki everyday, morning and afternoon for two years. Every morning, we read the bible and ate breakfast together and every afternoon, we had the same routine: put stuff away, change clothes, snack, homework, play, dinner, play, bedtime story, sleep. They knew me and I knew them because we did the humdrum of life together.

The reason Katie and I became such good friends is we made a point to meet every week for coffee: same time, same place. 10:30 am, every Wednesday, Starbucks. And talked. We talked and listened and thought about we how were talking and listening.

Consideration: If Ash or Aaki had a meltdown, or I had a headache, our routine shifted to accommodate new developments. Sometimes it made us late, but that really only bothered me and their teachers, and that's life.

Between Katie and I, it was okay for one, or often both, of us to raincheck our normal coffee date time. Life happens. And when it did, we understood and made plans to meet another time during the week or skip it. No one got mad, or hurt, or upset. We just picked up where we left off the next week.

Collaboration: I always strived to allow Ash and Aaki to have a strong sense of self determination, especially when they had behaved well enough to earn a special treat or outing. But it's different relationship between an adult and children, than it is between two friends. Even so, I felt it was important for our relationship that their opinions were given weight and, if earned, they got to do what they wanted to do if it was within my power to make it happen.

During the summer, it was at first difficult to find a time to meet for coffee that worked with both Katie's and my busy schedules. But we sat down, put our heads together and made it work because our relationship was important to us. We were both willing to sacrifice some non-essential activities in order to connect. It was a priority.

Relationships that don't work; that fizzle or implode, often do so because one or both parties do not prioritize the relationship. So, if a relationship is important to you, treat it as such, take it out to coffee, or just live life with it conscientiously. Let your relationships know that they are important to you. Today. (Challenge extended.)

(If you're in the Wheaton area and would like to see me this weekend, please give me a call or fb me here. Thanks!)

Caret Vol.1, Ep.5

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will go strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

That's one of my favorite worship songs. Whenever I begin to feel overwhelmed, I hum the tune to myself. Close my eyes and roll the words around in my mind. I lift my face to heaven and instantly feel a warmth like sunshine spread over me. It feels like Jesus is smiling at me and I automatically smile back, take a deep breath, and open my eyes, ready for anything because He's with me.

That's a really powerful idea for me. Someone on my same side. I've always been very independent. Happy to have friends near me, but just as content to be on my own. When faced with adversity, I'm not afraid to stand alone. In fact, I often come to the aid of those who are in need. I join their side. I have no stake in their argument, but I believe in a fair fight and I commit to whatever we're fighting for.

It happens, then, because I seem so strong, that many don't recognize my need and I am too proud, independent, and self-sufficient to ask. At least to ask anyone else. (I'm working on it...) When I depend only on myself, I falter and faint. Completely spent, I collapse inside myself. That's when I turn to Him. Knowing Jesus is with me. That He's going to fight for me. We're on the same side. And He's going to win! He renews my strength and I soar like eagle's wings.

It's Monday. (That's enough for me to want to toss in the towel right there.)

I don't have a job. I'm running out of money. I'm single. I live with my parents.

But I'm turning my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross scorning that shame (oh snap!) and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2 and a shout out to my camp timber-lee oak ridge thug thursday ladies)

Jesus is with me. He's got this.

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.55

My Weekend According to Instagram!

- ladies brunch decorations - Evan, the cutest baby in the world! -

- Mom driving to tree farm - hunting down the perfect tree -

- finally picking a tree - Ernie, stealing a stocking -

- organizing ornaments - tree, decorated - whew! I'm exhausted -

Comma Vol.1, Ep.4

I found one of my journals with a bunch of my dfh letters! Expect a lot of randomness, coming at you!

"You know Michael, I wish you'd stop by for more than just losing your police tail" -Madelyn Weston (Burn Notice)

DFH,

I can't wait to curl up next to you and watch TV until we fall asleep. I love the sleep timer on my TV!

"I gotta take the over the roof and down the rain gutter exit." -Michael Weston (Burn Notice)

Haha! I can't wait to laugh out loud with you - I wonder what your laugh will sound like and if you'll love mine.

Love You Forever,

Charity (Your Last Name)

Comma Vol.1, Ep.3

One of my favorite blogs to follow is http://dearhusbands.blogspot.com/ and it is pretty much awesome. I actually went to college with most or all of the andalasia ladies, and yes, they are as awesome as their blog. Here is one of my own contributions to the dfh phenomenon. Love!

Dear Future Husband,

I hope you're willing to dance with me. I don't really know how to dance - like ballroom - but I know basic steps and I love love love to twirl. So if you can twirl me, I'll be happy.

Love You Forever,

Charity Ellen (Your Last Name)

Eroteme Vol.2, Ep.1

99 Questions - Comment below or tweet me @livehappilyever with the number and your answer and I'll give you my answer, too. Happy Answering!

1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

5:Do you like to use post-it notes?

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

8:Do you have freckles?

9:Do you always smile for pictures?

10:What is your biggest pet peeve?

11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

12:Have you ever peed in the woods?

13:What about pooped in the woods?

14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?

16:How many people have you slept with this week?

17:What size is your bed?

18:What is your Song of the week?

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

20:Do you still watch cartoons?

21:Whats your least favorite movie?

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

23:What do you drink with dinner?

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

25:What is your favorite food?

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you?

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

31:Can you change the oil on a car? 32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

33:Ever ran out of gas?

34:Favorite kind of sandwich?

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast?

36:What is your usual bedtime?

37:Are you lazy?

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?

39:What is your Chinese astrological sign?

40:How many languages can you speak?

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs?

43:Are you stubborn?

44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman?

45:Ever watch soap operas?

46:Are you afraid of heights?

47:Do you sing in the car?

48:Do you sing in the shower?

49:Do you dance in the car?

50:Ever used a gun?

51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

52:Do you think musicals are cheesy?

53:Is Christmas stressful?

54:Ever eat a pierogi?

55:Favorite type of fruit pie?

56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

57:Do you believe in ghosts?

58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

59:Take a vitamin daily?

60:Wear slippers?

61:Wear a bath robe?

62:What do you wear to bed?

63:First concert?

64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

65:Nike or Adidas?

66:Cheetos Or Fritos?

67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?

69:Ever take dance lessons?

70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

71:Can you curl your tongue?

72:Ever won a spelling bee?

73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

74:Own any record albums?

75:Own a record player?

76:Regularly burn incense?

77:Ever been in love?

78:Who would you like to see in concert?

79:What was the last concert you saw?

80:Hot tea or cold tea?

81:Tea or coffee?

82:Sugar or snickerdoodles?

83:Can you swim well?

84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

85:Are you patient?

86:DJ or band, at a wedding?

87:Ever won a contest?

88:Ever have plastic surgery?

89:Which are better black or green olives?

90:Can you knit or crochet?

91:Best room for a fireplace?

92:Do you want to get married?

93:If married, how long have you been married?

94:Who was your HS crush?

95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

96:Do you have kids?

97:Do you want kids?

98:What's your favorite color?

99:Do you miss anyone right now?

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.53

Good Morning, World!

Today, I am thankful for good friends! Friends who go shopping with me for hours, keep me from purchasing MORE movies, share fries dipped in a chocolate shake, and lend me their power cord when mine breaks.

I am thankful for christmas lights, dropping temperatures that mean snow is near, and firelight on a cold and starry december night.

I am thankful for warm blankets, a new toothbrush, and just dance 3. Those three things aren't really related, except in that I am thankful for all of them.

I am thankful for good memories, discovering habits handed down from grandparents, and old friends, as close to me as family, who love me as me and don't expect me to be anyone else.

I am thankful for my family; father, mother, and brothers, my sneaky dog, and my sweet cat. Thank You, God, for parents who care for and support me, brothers who love me, a dog who comes when he's called, and a cat who loves only me (and my mother on good days).

And I am thankful for you, whoever you are, far or near. Thanks for reading, commenting, and challenging me and each other.

What are you thankful for?

Eroteme Vol.1, Ep.1

I compiled a list of 26 questions for you to answer in the comment sections or ask me. Post one number from the list below and I'll answer it honestly in a future post or comment.

Promise.

1. Favorite band/musician?

2. Ever been to a concert of favorite?

3. Who I like and why I like them?

4. Hardest thing I've ever been through?

5. My best friend?

6. My favorite movie?

7. Do I smoke/drink?

8. Have any tattoos or piercings?

9. As a child, what I wanted to be as an adult?

10. Relationship with my parents?

11. One of my insecurities?

12. What I find attractive in opposite sex?

13. Favorite place to shop?

14. My eye color?

15. Relationship status as of right now?

16. Favorite song at the moment?

17. A random fact about myself?

18. Age I get mistaken for?

19. Where I want to be right now?

20. Favorite childhood memory?

21. My idea of a perfect date?

22. My biggest pet peeves?

23. Last time I cried?

24. What would I do if (...fill in the blank...)?

25. My favorite (...fill in the blank...)?

26. (Make up your own question - make sure you post the question with the number in the comment section...)

Apostrophe Vol.21, Ep.89

An Arabic Christian man, a former Muslim, spoke at my college, he spoke about how he was in constant danger of losing his life because he had betrayed his Muslim faith. After chapel, I walked by him and he hugged me. It was the strangest experience of my life. I don't let anyone I don't know touch me, much less hug me, but I was overwhelmed with such compassion, admiration, and fear that I allowed it. What was even more surprising is that he saw something in me to comfort and protect. It was one of the most profound hugs of my life. I don't know if he's still alive or even remember his name. But I still smell the spices that lingered on his skin and enveloped me in his embrace.

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.1

An ampersand is this: &

Now you know! I totally didn't know five minutes ago.

I should really call these unstarted relationships. As I have never had a boyfriend. But relationships are more than just romantic relationships. So these postings will be about relationships I do have or want to have.

My bff is my most favoritist person in the world. We met our freshman year of college, were neighbors our sophomore year, and roommates junior and senior year. Since I have moved several hours away after graduation, we generally see each other 2-3 times a year.

Last year, I drove up twice to see her in Minnesota for her bachelorette party and wedding. She drove down to Illinois, when I was in grad school, so we could celebrate her birthday and see Cake Boss in Waukegan. It was awesome!

This past summer she drove down to Illinois for a long weekend of exploring Chicagoland and hanging out with me, my family, my nanny boys, and Simon. It was the highlight of my summer!

We are currently planning our next adventure, SPRING BREAK 2012! Crossing our fingers that we'll go somewhere warm where we can get decent tans. It will also be fun to experience a real spring break. Between her having choir tour EVERY YEAR in college over Spring Break. And me having other things: visiting my grandparents, getting my wisdom teeth out, redecorating my parent's bathroom, and working. We never got to experience a REAL spring break together, so I am totally excited about doing whatever we will be doing!

What do people do on Spring Break? What did you do?

Also, who's your favorite person?

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.51 (My Unfinished Life)

I am over halfway through my 26th year of life.

It's difficult, this living of life.

Especially now.

These past four years, now into the fifth, are like wandering around a new territory with no markers, street signs, or really any semblance of trail at all. Occasionally, a path will appear and I'll follow it for a while. A job. A relationship. A degree. But the path eventually ends, diverts, or becomes unbearable. So I jump off. I wander around for a while. Until I find another path.

I feel completely alone in these wanderings. Mentally, I know I am not. However, emotionally, I'm forging this path alone because no one else has the exact same path that I am on, that I have taken. It must be the American in me. The individual independence and desire to pull myself up by my bootstraps. The truth is... I don't want to be on this path alone. And I'm not sure why I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge that there are others close to me.

Anyone else feel like they are alone on their journey?