Caret Vol.1, Ep.7

It's okay to fail.

I've failed at a lot of things this past year.

If I were to chart out personal failures vs. personal successes, the failures would outweigh the successes by at least double.

In fact, I've failed at "failing" - I fail, but then I make it worse by reacting negatively thusly doubling the failure.

However, after this past year, I no longer see failure as a bad thing.  (At least, I'm continuing to alter my attitude toward failure.)

When I fail, it means I tried.  I tried something that I wasn't sure I would be good at.  I did my best and it wasn't enough to claim success.  But, I tried.  And I'm proud of that.

It's a super personal thing, maybe you can relate.

I've never tried anything - honest - that I knew I would fail.

I've always played it safe.  Until 2011.

No more playing it safe.  I jump in and I say "yes" to nearly every question.  (I'll try pretty much anything, but I'm not irresponsible or dumb.)

I said "yes" to bird-sitting even though I've been terrified of birds since kindergarten. (I had a bad experience.)  And I was awful those first few weeks.  I thought I would go insane.  I failed!

And out of my failure to be an amazing -scratch that- rudimentary "bird-sitter," God succeeded.  He brought me to my knees and I was completely dependent on Him.  He brought me to the realization that this feisty parrot was His creation, and my care for Simon was part of God's plan.  I was going to learn what God wanted me to learn through Simon, no matter how frustrated and discouraged I felt.  I failed by myself, but I succeeded through God.

I failed to find a job over the last four months, even now, I feel like I'm failing. "I should have tried harder." "A bad economy isn't an excuse." "I'm just lazy." These are the thoughts that fill my mind and keep my awake at night.  I'm still learning what God's plan is through this period of my life.

I failed in several relationships this year.  I let things slide because it was too painful or I was too lazy.  I hate admitting that to myself, even more so to my friends who must feel I've disappeared off the face of the earth.  I don't like failing at relationships.  That is the one thing I've consistently done well; maintaining connections with people, even when we're separated by many miles.  Or at least, I thought I did.

I've failed in my relationship with God most of all.  Yes, I depended heavily on Him while I was going through a rough time, but once things got better, my desire for Him lessened.  I truly feel like I'm a "bad weather" Christian - and that is a huge failure to me.  I want to interrupt this cycle, to praise Him when things are coming together AND falling apart.

It's difficult to be out of control.  It feels awful to fail.

But I enjoy the small successes so much more now.

I got a temp job.  It's not a big thing to most people, but it's exciting to me.  It opens up a whole new world of experiences and opportunities.

Even in my failure, God lifts me up and brings me closer to Him.

I'm willing to try it, but it's God who will succeed.

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.4

I am so excited to be in Wheaton this weekend. I have the opportunity to take care of Simon for a few days, plus I get a free place to stay near friends without having to impose on anyone.

I took care of Simon for six months while his family was in Peru. Simon is a beautiful macaw. We had our struggles at first. Lots of biting and screeching, etc. But within a month or too, we had really bonded and would sing together while I did housework or went for walks around the yard. I'm hoping he remembers me and I don't have to spend the entire weekend dodging his sharp beak. Simon's family lives in the most wonderful old farmhouse with lots of bedrooms, a secret staircase, and a wine cellar. It's one of my favorite houses of all time. I'm really looking forward to having a little - okay, a LOT - of space to myself. It was a weird transition moving back to my parent's home: going from an empty house to a full house (Loved that show!) with people in and out and around all of the time! Somedays, I'm still not used to it.

I'm also really excited to hang out with my friend, Katie. She's awesome! So creative and sweet! She just opened an etsy shop called "Under the Redwood Tree" and you should totally check it out. And her blog, "Work in Progress" where she showcases all of the creative things she does and keeps everyone updated on her busy life. Katie and I had coffee nearly every week while we were in grad school. We loved getting our favorite drink at Starbucks and then perusing the various shops nearby, searching for inspiration and special treasures. We originally met and became close through our "triad" - a semester long group project. The other third of our triad was Justina and I'm hoping she'll be around this weekend, too, though it's unlikely as she lives farther away than I do. (Below: our triad at graduation last spring)

I'm hoping to see other grad school friends as well. But I really miss my boys! I was their nanny for two years (all thru grad school) and it's been weird not seeing them everyday. We skype occasionally, but it's not the same. (Below: Aaki and Ash hold a valentine they made)

And that's really what this post is about, I guess. I was really close to some of the people in my cohort. For the first year and half of the second, we saw each other at least twice a week because we had all of our classes together. But apart from Katie, Justina, and a few others, I didn't have nearly the depth of relationship with my fellow graduate students that I had with Ash, Aaki, their mom, and their neighbors.

And I think the reason that it was like that makes sense. I lived life with Ash and Aaki.

Whereas I merely interacted with graduate school, most of the time. I was friends with my fellow students while I was at school, I was happy to randomly see a familiar face outside of school, and I found it diverting to socialize with them. But it wasn't real life. At least not for me.

In fact, I lived with a few students for about a year. And it was frustrating to live separate but parallel lives, in the same house, with the same group of friends, and going to the same classes. We weren't living life together. We all had separate jobs, separate internship sites, separate cars, separate churches, and separate routines. Even now, I don't know what I could have done differently to live life together with them.

I guess, what I'm saying and thinking about, in regards to relationships is in order for relationships to grow, be maintained, and flourish, there must be consistency, consideration, and collaboration. (3C's)

Consistency: I cared for Ash and Aaki everyday, morning and afternoon for two years. Every morning, we read the bible and ate breakfast together and every afternoon, we had the same routine: put stuff away, change clothes, snack, homework, play, dinner, play, bedtime story, sleep. They knew me and I knew them because we did the humdrum of life together.

The reason Katie and I became such good friends is we made a point to meet every week for coffee: same time, same place. 10:30 am, every Wednesday, Starbucks. And talked. We talked and listened and thought about we how were talking and listening.

Consideration: If Ash or Aaki had a meltdown, or I had a headache, our routine shifted to accommodate new developments. Sometimes it made us late, but that really only bothered me and their teachers, and that's life.

Between Katie and I, it was okay for one, or often both, of us to raincheck our normal coffee date time. Life happens. And when it did, we understood and made plans to meet another time during the week or skip it. No one got mad, or hurt, or upset. We just picked up where we left off the next week.

Collaboration: I always strived to allow Ash and Aaki to have a strong sense of self determination, especially when they had behaved well enough to earn a special treat or outing. But it's different relationship between an adult and children, than it is between two friends. Even so, I felt it was important for our relationship that their opinions were given weight and, if earned, they got to do what they wanted to do if it was within my power to make it happen.

During the summer, it was at first difficult to find a time to meet for coffee that worked with both Katie's and my busy schedules. But we sat down, put our heads together and made it work because our relationship was important to us. We were both willing to sacrifice some non-essential activities in order to connect. It was a priority.

Relationships that don't work; that fizzle or implode, often do so because one or both parties do not prioritize the relationship. So, if a relationship is important to you, treat it as such, take it out to coffee, or just live life with it conscientiously. Let your relationships know that they are important to you. Today. (Challenge extended.)

(If you're in the Wheaton area and would like to see me this weekend, please give me a call or fb me here. Thanks!)

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.52

I love planning weddings.

Okay, let me back up. I love planning anything. I love plans. I love following plans and being organized and having everything turn out beautifully because that's how I planned it and I made it happen. I feel accomplished after something I have planned works out well. I am not inflexible, I do not get upset when circumstances cause a plan to veer off course, I simply adapt. In fact, I always have contingency plans and back up plans because, well, that means more planning. It's a win-win!

And planning weddings is like the ultimate challenge! It's a huge undertaking! And you only get one shot to get it right. (Well, most people only take one shot...) And in the end, it's only the first day of the rest of your life with your spouse. And you have at least 1440 chances every day after your wedding to get it right. Your wedding is just one day.

Keep that in mind, it's just one day. It's important, yes. But every day with your spouse is important.

Your wedding is not just about you and your spouse. It is about you and your spouse, but it's also about your families, your friends, and your lives coming together. It's a lot to manage. And most importantly, as Christians, it's about God. In your lives as individuals, and in your life together, it's God's plan that will work, not yours. It's difficult for me to admit that, all the time. But it's true. And really, if I want a plan to work, I must leave it in God's hands, and let Him do what He wills.

Some people are all big picture when it comes to weddings. All they see is two people getting married, committing to love and cherish one another for the rest of their lives. They don't care about the little things like food and location, they just want to get married and get going.

Some people are all details. From the arrangement of the flowers to the amount of food on each plate to the spelling of guests' names on place cards. And they miss the big picture that they are making a lifelong commitment that they will be renewing daily.

Like a mosaic, you can stand apart and see the whole, or you can stand really close and focus on the individual pieces, but it's best to move in between. Get close and take care of the details: location, flowers, catering, guest lists, decor. Then step back and appreciate the wonder: God is joining you with this person for the rest of your lives and He's going to be with you every step of the way.

Somewhere in the middle, find the perspective of others. You might have older relatives at your wedding who will appreciate being recognized for their own commitment. And young children who don't understand yet, but may remember the seriousness with which you took your vows and the happiness you exuded as you and your spouse prayed together as husband and wife for the first time. The bridesmaid who is so happy for you, but heartbroken and hopeless for herself. The groomsman who can't wait to get out of this monkey suit. Your parents who are a little scared for you, maybe remembering you as a child, and scared for themselves as their own lives are changing. And your perpetually late cousin, who can't find her way out of her own yard on a clear day, but would be devastated if she missed a minute of your wedding.

Make a note in the program. Take photos with purpose. Write thank you notes that aren't for wedding gifts. Plan your ceremony with care. Relax at your reception. Connect with each guest. Enjoy God's day. Everything else will be okay.

(my bff and I at her wedding)