Caret Vol.1, Ep.7

It's okay to fail.

I've failed at a lot of things this past year.

If I were to chart out personal failures vs. personal successes, the failures would outweigh the successes by at least double.

In fact, I've failed at "failing" - I fail, but then I make it worse by reacting negatively thusly doubling the failure.

However, after this past year, I no longer see failure as a bad thing.  (At least, I'm continuing to alter my attitude toward failure.)

When I fail, it means I tried.  I tried something that I wasn't sure I would be good at.  I did my best and it wasn't enough to claim success.  But, I tried.  And I'm proud of that.

It's a super personal thing, maybe you can relate.

I've never tried anything - honest - that I knew I would fail.

I've always played it safe.  Until 2011.

No more playing it safe.  I jump in and I say "yes" to nearly every question.  (I'll try pretty much anything, but I'm not irresponsible or dumb.)

I said "yes" to bird-sitting even though I've been terrified of birds since kindergarten. (I had a bad experience.)  And I was awful those first few weeks.  I thought I would go insane.  I failed!

And out of my failure to be an amazing -scratch that- rudimentary "bird-sitter," God succeeded.  He brought me to my knees and I was completely dependent on Him.  He brought me to the realization that this feisty parrot was His creation, and my care for Simon was part of God's plan.  I was going to learn what God wanted me to learn through Simon, no matter how frustrated and discouraged I felt.  I failed by myself, but I succeeded through God.

I failed to find a job over the last four months, even now, I feel like I'm failing. "I should have tried harder." "A bad economy isn't an excuse." "I'm just lazy." These are the thoughts that fill my mind and keep my awake at night.  I'm still learning what God's plan is through this period of my life.

I failed in several relationships this year.  I let things slide because it was too painful or I was too lazy.  I hate admitting that to myself, even more so to my friends who must feel I've disappeared off the face of the earth.  I don't like failing at relationships.  That is the one thing I've consistently done well; maintaining connections with people, even when we're separated by many miles.  Or at least, I thought I did.

I've failed in my relationship with God most of all.  Yes, I depended heavily on Him while I was going through a rough time, but once things got better, my desire for Him lessened.  I truly feel like I'm a "bad weather" Christian - and that is a huge failure to me.  I want to interrupt this cycle, to praise Him when things are coming together AND falling apart.

It's difficult to be out of control.  It feels awful to fail.

But I enjoy the small successes so much more now.

I got a temp job.  It's not a big thing to most people, but it's exciting to me.  It opens up a whole new world of experiences and opportunities.

Even in my failure, God lifts me up and brings me closer to Him.

I'm willing to try it, but it's God who will succeed.

Caret Vol.1, Ep.5

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

And the things of earth will go strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace

That's one of my favorite worship songs. Whenever I begin to feel overwhelmed, I hum the tune to myself. Close my eyes and roll the words around in my mind. I lift my face to heaven and instantly feel a warmth like sunshine spread over me. It feels like Jesus is smiling at me and I automatically smile back, take a deep breath, and open my eyes, ready for anything because He's with me.

That's a really powerful idea for me. Someone on my same side. I've always been very independent. Happy to have friends near me, but just as content to be on my own. When faced with adversity, I'm not afraid to stand alone. In fact, I often come to the aid of those who are in need. I join their side. I have no stake in their argument, but I believe in a fair fight and I commit to whatever we're fighting for.

It happens, then, because I seem so strong, that many don't recognize my need and I am too proud, independent, and self-sufficient to ask. At least to ask anyone else. (I'm working on it...) When I depend only on myself, I falter and faint. Completely spent, I collapse inside myself. That's when I turn to Him. Knowing Jesus is with me. That He's going to fight for me. We're on the same side. And He's going to win! He renews my strength and I soar like eagle's wings.

It's Monday. (That's enough for me to want to toss in the towel right there.)

I don't have a job. I'm running out of money. I'm single. I live with my parents.

But I'm turning my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross scorning that shame (oh snap!) and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2 and a shout out to my camp timber-lee oak ridge thug thursday ladies)

Jesus is with me. He's got this.

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.51 (My Unfinished Life)

I am over halfway through my 26th year of life.

It's difficult, this living of life.

Especially now.

These past four years, now into the fifth, are like wandering around a new territory with no markers, street signs, or really any semblance of trail at all. Occasionally, a path will appear and I'll follow it for a while. A job. A relationship. A degree. But the path eventually ends, diverts, or becomes unbearable. So I jump off. I wander around for a while. Until I find another path.

I feel completely alone in these wanderings. Mentally, I know I am not. However, emotionally, I'm forging this path alone because no one else has the exact same path that I am on, that I have taken. It must be the American in me. The individual independence and desire to pull myself up by my bootstraps. The truth is... I don't want to be on this path alone. And I'm not sure why I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge that there are others close to me.

Anyone else feel like they are alone on their journey?