Apostrophe, Vol.26, Ep.75

I go back and forth on the whole swearing thing.

Sometimes, I don't see the problem, and I think to myself "what's the big deal? they're only words."

And other times, I feel really convicted and remember verses that my mother likes to quote like "out of the heart the mouth speaks" or something like that.

She's not referring only to swearing, of course, she says that every time I rip someone a new one with my rapier wit and sharp tongue.  I do have a sharp tongue.  And I think I do hurt people's feelings.

I am sorry.  Afterward.

But typically, in the moment, I am enraged at the injustice that I perceive.  Or the idiocy.  Or both.

I'm awful if it's both.  Laughably awful.  I say horrible things that are horribly funny and people laugh, not because they agree, though the might, but because what I said was so hilariously and awfully true.

Yeah.

That's not speaking the truth in love.

Being funny doesn't mean I'm right, and speaking truth harshly, doesn't help the person I am speaking to or about.

And I want to be helpful.

I want to be nice.

I guess that brings me back to the whole swearing thing.

I have used swear words before.  I have even used faux swear words... a lot.

And I feel better for a while.  But then I don't.

I know that people think less of me when I swear, and no, I don't really care what other people think.

But...

I'm a Christian.  And I don't want people to think less of Jesus because I swear.

I don't want people to think less of Jesus because I am uncharitable in how I speak of others.

I don't want to stand in someone's way of discovering the truth about Christ.

And while I don't care what people think about me, I care what they think about Jesus.

So I'm not going to swear and I'm going to speak truth in love.

Even when people are acting unjustly or dumb.

That's my challenge for today.

Where do you stand on the whole "swearing" issue?

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.11

Total Listening

So now you're going to be the best listener in the world!  Woohoo!

So just to recap:

Good Listeners listen actively, and with empathy, openness, and awareness.

You know how to listen now, but how do you let people know that you're really listening and really care about them and want them to listen to you with as much focus as you listen to them.  Start with the following:

• Maintain good eye contact - not staring, but consistent meeting of the eyes, keep it natural, please!
• Lean slightly forward - slightly.  Who remembers Hitch? "You go 90% and I come 10%." Slightly = 5%.
• Affirm the speaker by nodding or paraphrasing. Be sincere, not a bobble head.
• Clarify by asking questions. One to two questions at a time, and calmly!
• Actively move away from distractions.  Loud music? Spastic dancing? Television? No, thank you!
• Be committed to understanding what was said, even if you're feeling emotional.  If you're feeling overwhelmed, put the conversation on pause, compose yourself, and continue.  Be as committed to the conversation as you are to strengthening your relationship with this person.

If you still don't feel heard, tell the person.  These are your friends, family members, or significant other.  They want a relationship with you, too!  And they need to know you feel ignored, unimportant, unloved, or incompetent.  

Your feelings are valid! 

So tell them!  Give them a chance to listen, too!

Love!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.10

Yay! The 4th and final step to being a good listener!  Most of what is described in this step is done subconsciously, so to make sure you're listening with awareness, give yourself a week or two to practice before allowing it to fade back into a subconscious process.


Listening with Awareness


It's so simple and you probably already listen with awareness, but you may not know that you do.

If you compare what is being said to your own knowledge without judgment, you already listen with awareness.

If you mentally seek congruence in tone and body language, you already listen with awareness.

That's it!

Simple right?

Simple enough, but to be on the safe side, I'll elaborate.

(I love to elaborate!)

In order to listen with awareness, it is important to accept another's communication, compare with what you already know about people, history, events, etc, and simply note how it fits with your own knowledge.

It's important to do this without judgment or pointing out fallacies.

Remember, you are trying to deepen your relationship with this person, correct?  That's difficult to accomplish while pointing out their flaws in logic.  (I'm just saying!)

Second, in order to listen with awareness, it is important to note whether the communication matches the speaker's tone and posture.  If they are describing something happy, they should look and sound happy.  That's called congruence.

If they look relaxed while describing a stressful event, something is amiss.  Being aware will help you note these discrepancies and ask for clarification.  It's okay to tell friends that their body language seems to bely their words.  Asking for clarification will deepen your relationship by increasing the capacity for accurate communication.  In other words, you'll each understand one another better because you are more aware.

How aware are you in conversations?  Is it something you are willing to work on?

Tomorrow's post is about Total Listening.  Mm!  Sounds intriguing! Until then, peace!