Breve, Vol.1, Ep.1

I Will Survive ~ Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid I was petrified.
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong.
And I grew strong!
And I learned how to get along!
So now you're back from out of space.
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.

I should have changed that stupid lock!
I should have made you leave your key!
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.

Go on now, go, walk out that door!
Just turn around now‚
cause you're not welcome any more.
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt (crush) me with goodbye?

Did I crumble
Did I lay down and die
Oh no, not I! I will survive!
Oh and as long as I know how to love I know I stay alive.
I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give.
And I'll survive!
I will survive! Hey, hey.

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart.
Kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart!
And I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry!
But now I hold my head up high.
And you see me somebody new!
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you.

And so you feel like droppin' in,
and just expect me to be free,
now I'm saving all my loving for someone who is loving me!

Go on now...

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.12

A loving spoonful.

I love cookie dough.

I think it might be, wait... Yes. Chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite thing in the world.

It's probably the gooeyness and the intense amount of sugar. And of course, the chocolateness and nuttiness. (I always put pecans in mine.)

Most of all, I love chocolate chip cookie dough because it's so good but so bad at the same time.  I feel immediately that I'm doing something naughty, but it tastes so good I just can't help myself.

And I'm so silly.

If I waited until the dough was baked, I would have delicious warm chocolate chip cookies.  Cookies that last for days!  Cookie dough goes sour or dries up if I try to save it.  (And believe me, I've tried!)

In order to make cookies, I have to preheat the oven. 375º no more, no less.  The environment must be prepared and perfect.

And I have to wait.  I think that's what makes cookie dough so much more alluring.  No waiting.  Mix together some random [carefully measured] ingredients and BOOM! A delicious treat to bring me bliss, albeit temporary, since one bite is never enough.

I don't know why I hate waiting so much, maybe because I'm an American and I typically don't have to wait for anything.  Every want is instantaneously met. (And shooting rabbit!)

However, cookie dough must be baked thoroughly to fulfill it's intended purpose: to become a cookie.  It's worth the wait once I have the cookie. But it's hard to look at that dough and not take a little taste.  Just to hold me over.

Of course, I always regret it.  Especially, once the cookies are baked and I'm suddenly too full to enjoy them.  And I look at my pitiful pile of baked cookies and realize that most of my intended cookies have already been devoured before they were ready.

Intimacy is like cookie dough.

I want intimacy.

I want to be indescribably close to someone.

And when I get the opportunity to have that feeling, even for a moment, I want to take it!

I want to tell him a secret, something I've never breathed to anyone.  I want to trust him completely.  I want to take his hand while we watch a movie.  I want to let him hold me deep in his embrace when I feel like crying.  etc.

But, afterward, I don't like the feeling that I've given something away to someone that wasn't intended for him.

I don't like knowing that I have done something that I wasn't ready for.  I thought I was ready, but I have been wrong every time.

And I don't want to go through my life, eating cookie dough, and have nothing left to put in the cookie jar for my future husband.

Now what?

I'm going to have to think about it.  And probably make some difficult decisions about how I relate to men.  There is one way that intimacy isn't like cookies, I can't just make more.  I only have one heart to give, and it get's smaller every time I give a piece away to someone who won't receive all of it.

Apostrophe, Vol.26, Ep.57

Hello Friends!

I love Valentine's Day!  It's my holiday!  I feel like everyone has a favorite holiday or time of year and Valentine's Day is mine.  In Wisconsin, where I live, it falls in the dead of winter when everyone has cabin fever and nothing to do except shovel snow and attempt to stay upright while scurrying over the ice from house to car to job and back again.  It's not a joyous time, so I like to bestow a little joy on all of my friends in the form of snail mail.  And this year, if you want a Valentine, I'll send you one!  Direct message me on twitter at @livehappilyever or on tumblr with your address.

This Valentine's Day, my dear friend, Johanna, and I are making dinner for some of our friends.  So if you have any suggestions on how to make this platonic dinner fun and not sad, I'd love to hear them!

Also, as a gift to some of our favorite people, myself, Angela, and a few others are thinking of offering free babysitting but we want to have a little fun with our couple friends so we're making them fill out a questionnaire about their love lives.  Best answers win!  So, we also need suggestions for awesome and heartwarming questions to ask them... so far we're thinking "how did you meet?" and so forth, but if you think of something brilliant. Please let me know!

And there you have three fabulous reasons that I love Valentine's Day!  I love doing things for people: spreading joy, cooking delicious food, and caring for children.  It's just one of the ways that I can show people I care about them.  Too many people focus on the romantic side of Valentine's.  And that's fine.  And I hope someday I'll have something like that, but even then, I still want to spread joy and love and make people feel special!

What are your plans for Valentine's Day?  Need ideas? I have lots!

Love Always,

Charity

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.11

Total Listening

So now you're going to be the best listener in the world!  Woohoo!

So just to recap:

Good Listeners listen actively, and with empathy, openness, and awareness.

You know how to listen now, but how do you let people know that you're really listening and really care about them and want them to listen to you with as much focus as you listen to them.  Start with the following:

• Maintain good eye contact - not staring, but consistent meeting of the eyes, keep it natural, please!
• Lean slightly forward - slightly.  Who remembers Hitch? "You go 90% and I come 10%." Slightly = 5%.
• Affirm the speaker by nodding or paraphrasing. Be sincere, not a bobble head.
• Clarify by asking questions. One to two questions at a time, and calmly!
• Actively move away from distractions.  Loud music? Spastic dancing? Television? No, thank you!
• Be committed to understanding what was said, even if you're feeling emotional.  If you're feeling overwhelmed, put the conversation on pause, compose yourself, and continue.  Be as committed to the conversation as you are to strengthening your relationship with this person.

If you still don't feel heard, tell the person.  These are your friends, family members, or significant other.  They want a relationship with you, too!  And they need to know you feel ignored, unimportant, unloved, or incompetent.  

Your feelings are valid! 

So tell them!  Give them a chance to listen, too!

Love!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.10

Yay! The 4th and final step to being a good listener!  Most of what is described in this step is done subconsciously, so to make sure you're listening with awareness, give yourself a week or two to practice before allowing it to fade back into a subconscious process.


Listening with Awareness


It's so simple and you probably already listen with awareness, but you may not know that you do.

If you compare what is being said to your own knowledge without judgment, you already listen with awareness.

If you mentally seek congruence in tone and body language, you already listen with awareness.

That's it!

Simple right?

Simple enough, but to be on the safe side, I'll elaborate.

(I love to elaborate!)

In order to listen with awareness, it is important to accept another's communication, compare with what you already know about people, history, events, etc, and simply note how it fits with your own knowledge.

It's important to do this without judgment or pointing out fallacies.

Remember, you are trying to deepen your relationship with this person, correct?  That's difficult to accomplish while pointing out their flaws in logic.  (I'm just saying!)

Second, in order to listen with awareness, it is important to note whether the communication matches the speaker's tone and posture.  If they are describing something happy, they should look and sound happy.  That's called congruence.

If they look relaxed while describing a stressful event, something is amiss.  Being aware will help you note these discrepancies and ask for clarification.  It's okay to tell friends that their body language seems to bely their words.  Asking for clarification will deepen your relationship by increasing the capacity for accurate communication.  In other words, you'll each understand one another better because you are more aware.

How aware are you in conversations?  Is it something you are willing to work on?

Tomorrow's post is about Total Listening.  Mm!  Sounds intriguing! Until then, peace!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.9

Alright, I did it.  I mean, I attempted to do it.  Listen with empathy, that is.  Probably picked the best or worst day to be more thoughtful about it.  Sundays are very busy and often emotionally draining.  However, I made a conscientious attempt and had at least one successful conversation, 1 out of 10.  My percentage will increase with time and practice, I hope.

I'm not sure I'm ready for the next step, but here it is.


Listening with Openness


Seeing this title, I was like, "psh! I've got this!  I'm open!" and then I read the description.  Twice.  Well, I'm not as open as I thought.

Listening with openness is listening without judgment.  It's listening without concern for being proven right or denying being wrong.  It's difficult and goes against every socially constructed instinct.

Listening with openness is hearing the whole statement, entire communication, and "waiting for the period," before forming an opinion or judgment.

Listening with openness is beneficial for many reasons, besides deepening relationships, you learn.  (What's that? Shock! Awe! Learn? Yes! Learn!)  You learn how to discern, how to admit you're wrong, and how to be gracious when you're right.  Learn.

Also, you grow.  (Yes! Grow!)  You can hear opinions that you don't agree with and think about them without changing your mind or leveling a verbal punch at your conversational partner.  Grow!

And you make new friends!  (Okay, if you're over 30 and "at capacity" this may not apply to you, however, those of us who still have beautiful souls would like to make new friends.)  When you listen with openness you accept people with varying viewpoints into your circle, people are interested in you because you listen to them, and they'll start listening to you, too!  See! New friends AND audience!  (Exactly what you wanted to begin with!)

It may be hard for you to listen with openness.  Perhaps you fear being wrong.  Perhaps you don't want to hear unpleasant truths about yourself (Psh! No one does!)

Humble yourself and listen.

Even if you don't now, you'll be humbled soon enough. Judgmental and close-minded people eventually are brought down.  And you don't want to be like that anyway.

Exercise Time!  With someone you trust.  Someone you TRUST!  You can try a reversal.  Pick an old disagreement that is not that explosive.  NOT that explosive.  You each state your side of the argument.  Then reverse sides and argue for the opposite position.  (Don't do this for longer than 5 minutes the first time, 2 minutes if you're hyper-sensitive like me.)  Argue convincingly, really immerse yourself in the opposing argument.  Then, stop arguing and share what each of you experienced.

Find how the other person's point of view makes sense.

You're a cultural anthropologist!  Learn! Grow! Discover! (And make new friends!)

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.8

Welcome to Step 2!


Listening with Empathy


Each step is a little more challenging.  Listening with empathy is particularly challenging because it is often confused with sympathy.  Not the same thing.

Sympathy is [feeling] the same [emotions] that the other person is [feeling] from your own perspective.   Empathy requires acknowledging the background, habits, and history of the other person in order to connect on a deeper level.  Empathy is [feeling] the same [emotions] that the other person is [feeling] from his or her perspective.

I put [feeling] in brackets because it is interchangeable with [thinking], [choosing], and [moving], etc.  [Emotions] is interchangeable with [thoughts], [decisions], and [movements], etc.

Empathy is also recognizing that everyone is just trying to survive life.  So even when it is difficult to hear what someone is saying, you recognize that this is someone who is doing everything they can to survive, and you respect that by listening and attempting to connect with them on a personal level.

……………………………………………………………………

>> brief interlude <<

There are theoretically three levels of connection and understanding in relationships.

Surface: The weather, sports, and television are frequently spoken of on this level.

Personal: This level is for family, background, close friends, and shared experiences.

Spiritual: The work of the Holy Spirit, relationship with God, and faith are the areas of connection on this level.


>> returning to regularly scheduled programming <<

……………………………………………………………………

It's important to recognize that often listening with empathy requires internalizing some very negative emotions.  Some people have good survival strategies to deal with the struggles of life.  Others do not.  Take it slow as you expand your capacity to listen with empathy and recognize that you do not need to hold the negative emotions of others, though in relationships, we make efforts to understand and accept them.

There are 3 questions to ask yourself when you are listening with empathy:

• What need is the [emotion] coming from?
• What difficulty is this person experiencing?
• What is he or she asking for?

If you can answer these questions, congratulations!  You are listening!  And with empathy!

This is my personal challenge for today, I'll give you an update tomorrow!

Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.7

A few days ago, I wrote a post about listening.  At the time, I was frustrated because I felt unheard.  Through writing that post and some soul searching, I realize that as much as I want others to be better listeners - especially when I talk - I should be a better listener for them.

It takes time to master the "lost art of listening" (great book - I highly recommend it!) so I'm just going to give you a spoonful at a time.  

Start with Active Listening.

Listening is an active process which requires your participation.  In order to truly listen, you must collaborate in the communication process.  

Paraphrase

Focus on what the other person is trying to communicate, then rephrase what you've heard, and ask for confirmation of the intended message.  

Often, I will listen to people talk, assume I understand what they are saying, and simply respond from my own experience.  This moves the conversation rather quickly and participants in the communication process can leave feeling satisfied that they've shared their experience, but unsure if it was understood or accepted.  Which, I mean really?  That's the whole point.  

Sure, some people are happy to just talk, talk, talk.  And, they don't really care if it's understood, or even what the other person thinks, they just enjoy the attention.  

Not true of deep and meaningful relationships.  When someone you care about is speaking, you pause your own thoughts and agenda, hear what they are saying, process in your mind what you think they are communicating, then paraphrase in your response, and ask if you've understood correctly.  

It's a skill that takes time to develop.  The secret is to use your own words and phrasing and/or give a similar example.  

Clarify

When you are unsure if you are understanding correctly, or even if you are sure, clarify.  That means ask if *this* is what they meant.  

It lets the other person know you are truly interested in what is being said and you want to make sure you understand completely.  

Give Feedback

Now, it's your turn to speak.  But, it's not the time to change the subject to something you want to talk about.  Giving feedback is reacting in a nonjudgmental way.  Share your reaction honestly, fully, and briefly.  That may seem like an oxymoron, let me explain.  Be honest, give a whole reaction, but keep it to the point so the communication process can continue unhindered.  (As my mother says, "shoot that rabbit!")

Feedback can be positive or negative, but it ought not to be critical or demeaning of the other person.  

People say things I don't agree with all the time.  That doesn't mean they are misinformed or ridiculous. It means we have a difference of opinion.  And when I provide feedback to them, it is important that I demonstrate respect of their thoughts and ideas even while I share my own differing opinion.  I do not need to attempt to change their mind or convince them with my "facts."

Now it's time to practice!  

Not ready? Paraphrase, clarity, and give feedback in the comment section below.

There's more to listening, stay tuned for my next four blog posts. Peace!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.6

Those listening tips I promised:

Just kidding!  It's a good start but I'll have even better suggestions soon!  Patience!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.5

Is anyone listening?

I mean, really listening?

It's frustrating, isn't it?  To feel like no one is listening to you.  That no one values what you say.

It's frustrating to me.  I feel angry and sad and hurt when I am not listened to.  It leads me to believe that I'm not worth listening to.  That what I say does not have value.  That who I am is not valuable.

A grad school professor often said that all behavioral and emotional problems in "normal and sane" individuals can be traced back to one of two basic beliefs about the self.

"I am unlovable" and "I am incapable."

When I am not listened to, I begin to believe one or both of these maladaptive beliefs.

And in my mind, there are only these two options.

Option 1: That I am incapable of adequately communicating my thoughts and ideas in a way that is acceptable to another person.

Option 2:  That I am unlovable and therefore unworthy of acceptance or attention from another person.

I don't like either of these options.

And it is one of my worst fears that one or both of these are true.  But, what my mind and heart always forget to tell me is that there is secret option 3.

It's the most likely scenario, and it's the truth.

Option 3:  The people I am speaking to are not listening because they are thinking about themselves and not me.  They are thinking about what they are going to say next, how they are being perceived, and when they are finally going to be able to speak again.  The fact that they are not listening to me has nothing to do with who I am, what I've said, or how I've said it.

And if I'm really honest, when they talk, there are times when I'm not listening to them either.

So, how do I get someone to listen to me?

I can't make someone listen to what I say or care about who I am.  But, I can control how I listen and care about them.  If I demonstrate that I am listening intently and I do care about who they are, then we can build a relationship of listening and caring for one another.

It's likely that once I begin to slow the conversation down and really listen to them, they will, in time, listen to me.  And if they continue being oblivious, then, by that time, we will hopefully have a strong enough relationship that I can tell them that I feel ignored when I speak to them.  

It will take time.

It may take more time than I am currently willing to give.

But, it will be worth it because people are worth investing in.

Check back tomorrow for some practical ways to listen.  Peace!

Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.5

I don't like to make resolutions.

Like too many people, I give up within a month, a week... a day.

So I don't make resolutions very often.  This year, 2012, I do have one that I think will improve my relationships and my personal character.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I too often jump to negative conclusions or assume the worst.

Especially with those I claim to love.

So this year, this month, this week, and today; when it seems like people I love are doing or saying things I don't understand, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm going to wait, I'm going to ask questions, and I'm going to remember that I love these people and they've proven they love me many times.

Hopefully, as I extend more grace to those I love, they will extend grace to me when I do and say things they don't understand.  Because, let's face it, I'm not perfect and I need even more grace than they do, for sure!

What are your resolutions? Or non-resolutions?

Happy Day One of 2012! 365 to go!

Caret Vol.1, Ep.7

It's okay to fail.

I've failed at a lot of things this past year.

If I were to chart out personal failures vs. personal successes, the failures would outweigh the successes by at least double.

In fact, I've failed at "failing" - I fail, but then I make it worse by reacting negatively thusly doubling the failure.

However, after this past year, I no longer see failure as a bad thing.  (At least, I'm continuing to alter my attitude toward failure.)

When I fail, it means I tried.  I tried something that I wasn't sure I would be good at.  I did my best and it wasn't enough to claim success.  But, I tried.  And I'm proud of that.

It's a super personal thing, maybe you can relate.

I've never tried anything - honest - that I knew I would fail.

I've always played it safe.  Until 2011.

No more playing it safe.  I jump in and I say "yes" to nearly every question.  (I'll try pretty much anything, but I'm not irresponsible or dumb.)

I said "yes" to bird-sitting even though I've been terrified of birds since kindergarten. (I had a bad experience.)  And I was awful those first few weeks.  I thought I would go insane.  I failed!

And out of my failure to be an amazing -scratch that- rudimentary "bird-sitter," God succeeded.  He brought me to my knees and I was completely dependent on Him.  He brought me to the realization that this feisty parrot was His creation, and my care for Simon was part of God's plan.  I was going to learn what God wanted me to learn through Simon, no matter how frustrated and discouraged I felt.  I failed by myself, but I succeeded through God.

I failed to find a job over the last four months, even now, I feel like I'm failing. "I should have tried harder." "A bad economy isn't an excuse." "I'm just lazy." These are the thoughts that fill my mind and keep my awake at night.  I'm still learning what God's plan is through this period of my life.

I failed in several relationships this year.  I let things slide because it was too painful or I was too lazy.  I hate admitting that to myself, even more so to my friends who must feel I've disappeared off the face of the earth.  I don't like failing at relationships.  That is the one thing I've consistently done well; maintaining connections with people, even when we're separated by many miles.  Or at least, I thought I did.

I've failed in my relationship with God most of all.  Yes, I depended heavily on Him while I was going through a rough time, but once things got better, my desire for Him lessened.  I truly feel like I'm a "bad weather" Christian - and that is a huge failure to me.  I want to interrupt this cycle, to praise Him when things are coming together AND falling apart.

It's difficult to be out of control.  It feels awful to fail.

But I enjoy the small successes so much more now.

I got a temp job.  It's not a big thing to most people, but it's exciting to me.  It opens up a whole new world of experiences and opportunities.

Even in my failure, God lifts me up and brings me closer to Him.

I'm willing to try it, but it's God who will succeed.

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.4

I am so excited to be in Wheaton this weekend. I have the opportunity to take care of Simon for a few days, plus I get a free place to stay near friends without having to impose on anyone.

I took care of Simon for six months while his family was in Peru. Simon is a beautiful macaw. We had our struggles at first. Lots of biting and screeching, etc. But within a month or too, we had really bonded and would sing together while I did housework or went for walks around the yard. I'm hoping he remembers me and I don't have to spend the entire weekend dodging his sharp beak. Simon's family lives in the most wonderful old farmhouse with lots of bedrooms, a secret staircase, and a wine cellar. It's one of my favorite houses of all time. I'm really looking forward to having a little - okay, a LOT - of space to myself. It was a weird transition moving back to my parent's home: going from an empty house to a full house (Loved that show!) with people in and out and around all of the time! Somedays, I'm still not used to it.

I'm also really excited to hang out with my friend, Katie. She's awesome! So creative and sweet! She just opened an etsy shop called "Under the Redwood Tree" and you should totally check it out. And her blog, "Work in Progress" where she showcases all of the creative things she does and keeps everyone updated on her busy life. Katie and I had coffee nearly every week while we were in grad school. We loved getting our favorite drink at Starbucks and then perusing the various shops nearby, searching for inspiration and special treasures. We originally met and became close through our "triad" - a semester long group project. The other third of our triad was Justina and I'm hoping she'll be around this weekend, too, though it's unlikely as she lives farther away than I do. (Below: our triad at graduation last spring)

I'm hoping to see other grad school friends as well. But I really miss my boys! I was their nanny for two years (all thru grad school) and it's been weird not seeing them everyday. We skype occasionally, but it's not the same. (Below: Aaki and Ash hold a valentine they made)

And that's really what this post is about, I guess. I was really close to some of the people in my cohort. For the first year and half of the second, we saw each other at least twice a week because we had all of our classes together. But apart from Katie, Justina, and a few others, I didn't have nearly the depth of relationship with my fellow graduate students that I had with Ash, Aaki, their mom, and their neighbors.

And I think the reason that it was like that makes sense. I lived life with Ash and Aaki.

Whereas I merely interacted with graduate school, most of the time. I was friends with my fellow students while I was at school, I was happy to randomly see a familiar face outside of school, and I found it diverting to socialize with them. But it wasn't real life. At least not for me.

In fact, I lived with a few students for about a year. And it was frustrating to live separate but parallel lives, in the same house, with the same group of friends, and going to the same classes. We weren't living life together. We all had separate jobs, separate internship sites, separate cars, separate churches, and separate routines. Even now, I don't know what I could have done differently to live life together with them.

I guess, what I'm saying and thinking about, in regards to relationships is in order for relationships to grow, be maintained, and flourish, there must be consistency, consideration, and collaboration. (3C's)

Consistency: I cared for Ash and Aaki everyday, morning and afternoon for two years. Every morning, we read the bible and ate breakfast together and every afternoon, we had the same routine: put stuff away, change clothes, snack, homework, play, dinner, play, bedtime story, sleep. They knew me and I knew them because we did the humdrum of life together.

The reason Katie and I became such good friends is we made a point to meet every week for coffee: same time, same place. 10:30 am, every Wednesday, Starbucks. And talked. We talked and listened and thought about we how were talking and listening.

Consideration: If Ash or Aaki had a meltdown, or I had a headache, our routine shifted to accommodate new developments. Sometimes it made us late, but that really only bothered me and their teachers, and that's life.

Between Katie and I, it was okay for one, or often both, of us to raincheck our normal coffee date time. Life happens. And when it did, we understood and made plans to meet another time during the week or skip it. No one got mad, or hurt, or upset. We just picked up where we left off the next week.

Collaboration: I always strived to allow Ash and Aaki to have a strong sense of self determination, especially when they had behaved well enough to earn a special treat or outing. But it's different relationship between an adult and children, than it is between two friends. Even so, I felt it was important for our relationship that their opinions were given weight and, if earned, they got to do what they wanted to do if it was within my power to make it happen.

During the summer, it was at first difficult to find a time to meet for coffee that worked with both Katie's and my busy schedules. But we sat down, put our heads together and made it work because our relationship was important to us. We were both willing to sacrifice some non-essential activities in order to connect. It was a priority.

Relationships that don't work; that fizzle or implode, often do so because one or both parties do not prioritize the relationship. So, if a relationship is important to you, treat it as such, take it out to coffee, or just live life with it conscientiously. Let your relationships know that they are important to you. Today. (Challenge extended.)

(If you're in the Wheaton area and would like to see me this weekend, please give me a call or fb me here. Thanks!)

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.3

One of the common complaints I hear from friends that belong to the fairer sex is that men don't step up. Specifically, Christian men.

It seems, in general, that Christian men take all the time in the world to declare intentions to the object of their affection. Or never actually get around to doing that.

Thusly, us females tend to live in a state of complete confusion and tension. Thoughts rush around our brains like an express train on a twisted mountain ridge.

And it's so much easier to blame the guy. It's his fault for leading us on or not making a move.

We get so upset/irate/frustrated that we can react negatively/strangely. {We were going to walk in and she was going to say "sit down"}

However, we females are responsible for our decision to get on the erratic thought train, the rushing to and fro between "he loves me" and "he hates me." Get off the train! Even express trains have to stop sometimes. When you get the opportunity, gather your belongings and quickly exit through the nearest door.

If you're a guy and you like a girl, let her know. If you do not like a girl, let her know. Define the relationship either way. Do not lie, please. Do not try to soften the blow.

No more playing games, be honest, be truthful, be upfront, be kind, and believe your brother/sister in Christ. If you feel his/her words contradict his/her behavior, tell him/her! He/she may not realize how he/she comes across. He/she may have noticed some contradicting words/behaviors of yours as well. (Raise your hand if you are now completely on the "english needs a gender inclusive singular personal pronoun" bus after reading that paragraph. I nominate "slash.")

So, whether the object of your desire is moving too slow (i.e. not at all) or an acquaintance is, oddly enough, moving too fast and freaking you out. Take a deep breath, get off the train, and pray. Pray, pray, pray! Then tell him/her where you're at in the emotion arena and ask if he/she is in the same place, too.

Please, do not give ultimatums. Ask the question and while you wait for the answer, pray.

Life never goes the way you think it will. Pray, depend completely on God, and be patient.

In my experience, men need other good Christian men around them to talk about relationships, and encourage them to make a move, declare, and start a relationship with the right woman. Women need other good Christian women around them to talk about relationships, and encourage them to get off the erratic thoughts train and be patient while waiting for a relationship with the right man to start.

Friends, any sage words of advice? Thoughts? Please comment below or tweet me: @livehappilyever. Thanks!

Parenthesis Vol.1, Ep.1 (Family)

Favoritism kills families.

I know, sometimes, it's unintentional and unconscious. But it's wrong, it harms people and fractures relationships.

Okay, jump back. Favoritism is defined as the favoring of one person or group over others with equal claims. For example, a parent showing partiality consistently to one child over another child. An employer repeatedly praising the work of one employee while ignoring another who has performed equally well. An artist detailing the characteristics of one person in a family portrait while painting the others with broader - less defined - strokes. It's favoritism. It's wrong. Don't do it.

Oh, if only that were the end.

Obviously, in human relationships, there are people you are going to connect with more than others. It happens in the world, it happens in communities, and it happens in families. It happens. It's okay. That does not mean we have any less responsibility to treat one another justly and kindly.

I had a lot of roommates in college, we had problems, as all roommates do if you're honest. Some problems we resolved well. Some problems we did not resolve at all. However, I did my best to treat them well and similarly. And I expected the same treatment from them. When you're an adult, you act like one.

Children act like children. They don't understand why Daddy gave Susie a new bike and Billy has to mow the lawn to earn his own. Or why Mommy reads two picture books to Joe at bedtime, but puts on an audiobook for Jake. These examples are perfectly acceptable parenting techniques if the motives of the parents are for the benefit of the child and, as necessary, explained to the child in a developmentally appropriate manner.

To illustrate:

Acceptable, Susie is 3 and received a tricycle for her birthday, her older brother Billy is 12, has a perfectly good bicylce, but wants a BMX bike to keep up with his neighborhood friends.

Unacceptable, Susie and Billy are twins.

(Totally okay, and preferred, that children learn the value of their possessions and work for them in acceptable age and developmentally appropriate ways.)

Acceptable, Joe is scared of the dark and needs individual face time to fall asleep. Since his dad's deployment, Jake sleeps sounder to the recording of Daddy's voice reading a favorite story.

Unacceptable, Mommy claims a "headache" whenever Jake asks for a picture book story, every night.

(Totally okay, and awesome, if you record your voice telling a story to play for your children at bedtime, even better if it's a live performance.)

It often occurs that when adults return to their parent's or grandparent's home, for a gathering such as thanksgiving, they also return to the roles they have held since childhood. No matter how much adults have changed, healed the wounds of childhood, or moved on... a remark, a relational pattern, can reopen those wounds and they revert to their previous pattern of survival and the cycle of favoritism continues.

If this sounds familiar, be encouraged, you're not alone.

If you would like to see this changed for good, be aware, it takes time, effort, and a lot of God-given grace.

If you're a parent, know that you don't have to continue the cycle, you can instill positive and healthy relational patterns in your child's life.

It's worth it.

As a member of a family, an experienced child care provider, and (hopefully) a future mother, I urge you to be intentional and conscious of the effect your attentions, your words, and your actions, are having on the people and the relationships within your family.

Pray. (Favorite quote: "Prayer does not change God, but it changes him [her] who prays." -Søren Kierkegaard)

Strive, not to be fair, life is not fair, but to be kind, be just, and do your best.

Who was the favorite in your family? How does that make you feel?

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.2

What is most important in long-lasting romantic relationships?

Some say chemistry. Others, common interests. And, still others, commitment. I think everyone has a different answer of what they believe is most important to maintain a healthy relationship with a lifelong partner. And while I think chemistry, common interests, and commitment are important to sustaining a relationship between significant others, I don't think they are crucial.

In fact, I am fairly certain that the vast majority of the world does not share my view. I believe that theological agreement is most important in maintaining a healthy growing romantic lifelong relationship. That's right. I said "theological agreement." That means that we believe the same things about God. For example, God created the world in six 24 hour days. God sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for me, so I could go to heaven because without Jesus I am going to hell. I deserve to go to hell because I have sinned (that's right, me, I have sinned, once, twice, a hundred times, any which way I deserve to go to hell). Only faith in Jesus saves me from hell and only Jesus gives me the gift of eternal life with Him. These are the beliefs that significant others must agree on. There are other nuances of the Christian faith which are also crucial to the success of marriage. Interpretation of Ephesians 5, for example. (Look it up and comment below with your interpretation.)

Whether or not you and your significant other agree with my interpretation is not as important as if you and your sig oth's interpretations agree. Get it?

Also, helpful if your faith and interpretations are based on the truth of the Bible. That takes time, so the second more important aspect of a successful relationship would be a mutual willingness to learn, grow, and accept theological correction as necessary. So even if your interpretation changes, as long as you and your sig oth agree and base changes on the Bible, and you both agree, you're good.

If you agree, what would you put third?

If you don't agree, what's most important to you?

I'd love to start a dialogue and hear your point of view.

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.1

An ampersand is this: &

Now you know! I totally didn't know five minutes ago.

I should really call these unstarted relationships. As I have never had a boyfriend. But relationships are more than just romantic relationships. So these postings will be about relationships I do have or want to have.

My bff is my most favoritist person in the world. We met our freshman year of college, were neighbors our sophomore year, and roommates junior and senior year. Since I have moved several hours away after graduation, we generally see each other 2-3 times a year.

Last year, I drove up twice to see her in Minnesota for her bachelorette party and wedding. She drove down to Illinois, when I was in grad school, so we could celebrate her birthday and see Cake Boss in Waukegan. It was awesome!

This past summer she drove down to Illinois for a long weekend of exploring Chicagoland and hanging out with me, my family, my nanny boys, and Simon. It was the highlight of my summer!

We are currently planning our next adventure, SPRING BREAK 2012! Crossing our fingers that we'll go somewhere warm where we can get decent tans. It will also be fun to experience a real spring break. Between her having choir tour EVERY YEAR in college over Spring Break. And me having other things: visiting my grandparents, getting my wisdom teeth out, redecorating my parent's bathroom, and working. We never got to experience a REAL spring break together, so I am totally excited about doing whatever we will be doing!

What do people do on Spring Break? What did you do?

Also, who's your favorite person?