Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.5

Is anyone listening?

I mean, really listening?

It's frustrating, isn't it?  To feel like no one is listening to you.  That no one values what you say.

It's frustrating to me.  I feel angry and sad and hurt when I am not listened to.  It leads me to believe that I'm not worth listening to.  That what I say does not have value.  That who I am is not valuable.

A grad school professor often said that all behavioral and emotional problems in "normal and sane" individuals can be traced back to one of two basic beliefs about the self.

"I am unlovable" and "I am incapable."

When I am not listened to, I begin to believe one or both of these maladaptive beliefs.

And in my mind, there are only these two options.

Option 1: That I am incapable of adequately communicating my thoughts and ideas in a way that is acceptable to another person.

Option 2:  That I am unlovable and therefore unworthy of acceptance or attention from another person.

I don't like either of these options.

And it is one of my worst fears that one or both of these are true.  But, what my mind and heart always forget to tell me is that there is secret option 3.

It's the most likely scenario, and it's the truth.

Option 3:  The people I am speaking to are not listening because they are thinking about themselves and not me.  They are thinking about what they are going to say next, how they are being perceived, and when they are finally going to be able to speak again.  The fact that they are not listening to me has nothing to do with who I am, what I've said, or how I've said it.

And if I'm really honest, when they talk, there are times when I'm not listening to them either.

So, how do I get someone to listen to me?

I can't make someone listen to what I say or care about who I am.  But, I can control how I listen and care about them.  If I demonstrate that I am listening intently and I do care about who they are, then we can build a relationship of listening and caring for one another.

It's likely that once I begin to slow the conversation down and really listen to them, they will, in time, listen to me.  And if they continue being oblivious, then, by that time, we will hopefully have a strong enough relationship that I can tell them that I feel ignored when I speak to them.  

It will take time.

It may take more time than I am currently willing to give.

But, it will be worth it because people are worth investing in.

Check back tomorrow for some practical ways to listen.  Peace!

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.3

One of the common complaints I hear from friends that belong to the fairer sex is that men don't step up. Specifically, Christian men.

It seems, in general, that Christian men take all the time in the world to declare intentions to the object of their affection. Or never actually get around to doing that.

Thusly, us females tend to live in a state of complete confusion and tension. Thoughts rush around our brains like an express train on a twisted mountain ridge.

And it's so much easier to blame the guy. It's his fault for leading us on or not making a move.

We get so upset/irate/frustrated that we can react negatively/strangely. {We were going to walk in and she was going to say "sit down"}

However, we females are responsible for our decision to get on the erratic thought train, the rushing to and fro between "he loves me" and "he hates me." Get off the train! Even express trains have to stop sometimes. When you get the opportunity, gather your belongings and quickly exit through the nearest door.

If you're a guy and you like a girl, let her know. If you do not like a girl, let her know. Define the relationship either way. Do not lie, please. Do not try to soften the blow.

No more playing games, be honest, be truthful, be upfront, be kind, and believe your brother/sister in Christ. If you feel his/her words contradict his/her behavior, tell him/her! He/she may not realize how he/she comes across. He/she may have noticed some contradicting words/behaviors of yours as well. (Raise your hand if you are now completely on the "english needs a gender inclusive singular personal pronoun" bus after reading that paragraph. I nominate "slash.")

So, whether the object of your desire is moving too slow (i.e. not at all) or an acquaintance is, oddly enough, moving too fast and freaking you out. Take a deep breath, get off the train, and pray. Pray, pray, pray! Then tell him/her where you're at in the emotion arena and ask if he/she is in the same place, too.

Please, do not give ultimatums. Ask the question and while you wait for the answer, pray.

Life never goes the way you think it will. Pray, depend completely on God, and be patient.

In my experience, men need other good Christian men around them to talk about relationships, and encourage them to make a move, declare, and start a relationship with the right woman. Women need other good Christian women around them to talk about relationships, and encourage them to get off the erratic thoughts train and be patient while waiting for a relationship with the right man to start.

Friends, any sage words of advice? Thoughts? Please comment below or tweet me: @livehappilyever. Thanks!

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.51 (My Unfinished Life)

I am over halfway through my 26th year of life.

It's difficult, this living of life.

Especially now.

These past four years, now into the fifth, are like wandering around a new territory with no markers, street signs, or really any semblance of trail at all. Occasionally, a path will appear and I'll follow it for a while. A job. A relationship. A degree. But the path eventually ends, diverts, or becomes unbearable. So I jump off. I wander around for a while. Until I find another path.

I feel completely alone in these wanderings. Mentally, I know I am not. However, emotionally, I'm forging this path alone because no one else has the exact same path that I am on, that I have taken. It must be the American in me. The individual independence and desire to pull myself up by my bootstraps. The truth is... I don't want to be on this path alone. And I'm not sure why I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge that there are others close to me.

Anyone else feel like they are alone on their journey?