Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.12

A loving spoonful.

I love cookie dough.

I think it might be, wait... Yes. Chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite thing in the world.

It's probably the gooeyness and the intense amount of sugar. And of course, the chocolateness and nuttiness. (I always put pecans in mine.)

Most of all, I love chocolate chip cookie dough because it's so good but so bad at the same time.  I feel immediately that I'm doing something naughty, but it tastes so good I just can't help myself.

And I'm so silly.

If I waited until the dough was baked, I would have delicious warm chocolate chip cookies.  Cookies that last for days!  Cookie dough goes sour or dries up if I try to save it.  (And believe me, I've tried!)

In order to make cookies, I have to preheat the oven. 375º no more, no less.  The environment must be prepared and perfect.

And I have to wait.  I think that's what makes cookie dough so much more alluring.  No waiting.  Mix together some random [carefully measured] ingredients and BOOM! A delicious treat to bring me bliss, albeit temporary, since one bite is never enough.

I don't know why I hate waiting so much, maybe because I'm an American and I typically don't have to wait for anything.  Every want is instantaneously met. (And shooting rabbit!)

However, cookie dough must be baked thoroughly to fulfill it's intended purpose: to become a cookie.  It's worth the wait once I have the cookie. But it's hard to look at that dough and not take a little taste.  Just to hold me over.

Of course, I always regret it.  Especially, once the cookies are baked and I'm suddenly too full to enjoy them.  And I look at my pitiful pile of baked cookies and realize that most of my intended cookies have already been devoured before they were ready.

Intimacy is like cookie dough.

I want intimacy.

I want to be indescribably close to someone.

And when I get the opportunity to have that feeling, even for a moment, I want to take it!

I want to tell him a secret, something I've never breathed to anyone.  I want to trust him completely.  I want to take his hand while we watch a movie.  I want to let him hold me deep in his embrace when I feel like crying.  etc.

But, afterward, I don't like the feeling that I've given something away to someone that wasn't intended for him.

I don't like knowing that I have done something that I wasn't ready for.  I thought I was ready, but I have been wrong every time.

And I don't want to go through my life, eating cookie dough, and have nothing left to put in the cookie jar for my future husband.

Now what?

I'm going to have to think about it.  And probably make some difficult decisions about how I relate to men.  There is one way that intimacy isn't like cookies, I can't just make more.  I only have one heart to give, and it get's smaller every time I give a piece away to someone who won't receive all of it.

Comma Vol.1, Ep.7

Dear Future Husband,

Love You Forever,

Charity Ellen Your Last Name

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.52

I love planning weddings.

Okay, let me back up. I love planning anything. I love plans. I love following plans and being organized and having everything turn out beautifully because that's how I planned it and I made it happen. I feel accomplished after something I have planned works out well. I am not inflexible, I do not get upset when circumstances cause a plan to veer off course, I simply adapt. In fact, I always have contingency plans and back up plans because, well, that means more planning. It's a win-win!

And planning weddings is like the ultimate challenge! It's a huge undertaking! And you only get one shot to get it right. (Well, most people only take one shot...) And in the end, it's only the first day of the rest of your life with your spouse. And you have at least 1440 chances every day after your wedding to get it right. Your wedding is just one day.

Keep that in mind, it's just one day. It's important, yes. But every day with your spouse is important.

Your wedding is not just about you and your spouse. It is about you and your spouse, but it's also about your families, your friends, and your lives coming together. It's a lot to manage. And most importantly, as Christians, it's about God. In your lives as individuals, and in your life together, it's God's plan that will work, not yours. It's difficult for me to admit that, all the time. But it's true. And really, if I want a plan to work, I must leave it in God's hands, and let Him do what He wills.

Some people are all big picture when it comes to weddings. All they see is two people getting married, committing to love and cherish one another for the rest of their lives. They don't care about the little things like food and location, they just want to get married and get going.

Some people are all details. From the arrangement of the flowers to the amount of food on each plate to the spelling of guests' names on place cards. And they miss the big picture that they are making a lifelong commitment that they will be renewing daily.

Like a mosaic, you can stand apart and see the whole, or you can stand really close and focus on the individual pieces, but it's best to move in between. Get close and take care of the details: location, flowers, catering, guest lists, decor. Then step back and appreciate the wonder: God is joining you with this person for the rest of your lives and He's going to be with you every step of the way.

Somewhere in the middle, find the perspective of others. You might have older relatives at your wedding who will appreciate being recognized for their own commitment. And young children who don't understand yet, but may remember the seriousness with which you took your vows and the happiness you exuded as you and your spouse prayed together as husband and wife for the first time. The bridesmaid who is so happy for you, but heartbroken and hopeless for herself. The groomsman who can't wait to get out of this monkey suit. Your parents who are a little scared for you, maybe remembering you as a child, and scared for themselves as their own lives are changing. And your perpetually late cousin, who can't find her way out of her own yard on a clear day, but would be devastated if she missed a minute of your wedding.

Make a note in the program. Take photos with purpose. Write thank you notes that aren't for wedding gifts. Plan your ceremony with care. Relax at your reception. Connect with each guest. Enjoy God's day. Everything else will be okay.

(my bff and I at her wedding)