Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.12

A loving spoonful.

I love cookie dough.

I think it might be, wait... Yes. Chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite thing in the world.

It's probably the gooeyness and the intense amount of sugar. And of course, the chocolateness and nuttiness. (I always put pecans in mine.)

Most of all, I love chocolate chip cookie dough because it's so good but so bad at the same time.  I feel immediately that I'm doing something naughty, but it tastes so good I just can't help myself.

And I'm so silly.

If I waited until the dough was baked, I would have delicious warm chocolate chip cookies.  Cookies that last for days!  Cookie dough goes sour or dries up if I try to save it.  (And believe me, I've tried!)

In order to make cookies, I have to preheat the oven. 375º no more, no less.  The environment must be prepared and perfect.

And I have to wait.  I think that's what makes cookie dough so much more alluring.  No waiting.  Mix together some random [carefully measured] ingredients and BOOM! A delicious treat to bring me bliss, albeit temporary, since one bite is never enough.

I don't know why I hate waiting so much, maybe because I'm an American and I typically don't have to wait for anything.  Every want is instantaneously met. (And shooting rabbit!)

However, cookie dough must be baked thoroughly to fulfill it's intended purpose: to become a cookie.  It's worth the wait once I have the cookie. But it's hard to look at that dough and not take a little taste.  Just to hold me over.

Of course, I always regret it.  Especially, once the cookies are baked and I'm suddenly too full to enjoy them.  And I look at my pitiful pile of baked cookies and realize that most of my intended cookies have already been devoured before they were ready.

Intimacy is like cookie dough.

I want intimacy.

I want to be indescribably close to someone.

And when I get the opportunity to have that feeling, even for a moment, I want to take it!

I want to tell him a secret, something I've never breathed to anyone.  I want to trust him completely.  I want to take his hand while we watch a movie.  I want to let him hold me deep in his embrace when I feel like crying.  etc.

But, afterward, I don't like the feeling that I've given something away to someone that wasn't intended for him.

I don't like knowing that I have done something that I wasn't ready for.  I thought I was ready, but I have been wrong every time.

And I don't want to go through my life, eating cookie dough, and have nothing left to put in the cookie jar for my future husband.

Now what?

I'm going to have to think about it.  And probably make some difficult decisions about how I relate to men.  There is one way that intimacy isn't like cookies, I can't just make more.  I only have one heart to give, and it get's smaller every time I give a piece away to someone who won't receive all of it.

Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.5

I don't like to make resolutions.

Like too many people, I give up within a month, a week... a day.

So I don't make resolutions very often.  This year, 2012, I do have one that I think will improve my relationships and my personal character.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I too often jump to negative conclusions or assume the worst.

Especially with those I claim to love.

So this year, this month, this week, and today; when it seems like people I love are doing or saying things I don't understand, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm going to wait, I'm going to ask questions, and I'm going to remember that I love these people and they've proven they love me many times.

Hopefully, as I extend more grace to those I love, they will extend grace to me when I do and say things they don't understand.  Because, let's face it, I'm not perfect and I need even more grace than they do, for sure!

What are your resolutions? Or non-resolutions?

Happy Day One of 2012! 365 to go!

Caret Vol.1, Ep.7

It's okay to fail.

I've failed at a lot of things this past year.

If I were to chart out personal failures vs. personal successes, the failures would outweigh the successes by at least double.

In fact, I've failed at "failing" - I fail, but then I make it worse by reacting negatively thusly doubling the failure.

However, after this past year, I no longer see failure as a bad thing.  (At least, I'm continuing to alter my attitude toward failure.)

When I fail, it means I tried.  I tried something that I wasn't sure I would be good at.  I did my best and it wasn't enough to claim success.  But, I tried.  And I'm proud of that.

It's a super personal thing, maybe you can relate.

I've never tried anything - honest - that I knew I would fail.

I've always played it safe.  Until 2011.

No more playing it safe.  I jump in and I say "yes" to nearly every question.  (I'll try pretty much anything, but I'm not irresponsible or dumb.)

I said "yes" to bird-sitting even though I've been terrified of birds since kindergarten. (I had a bad experience.)  And I was awful those first few weeks.  I thought I would go insane.  I failed!

And out of my failure to be an amazing -scratch that- rudimentary "bird-sitter," God succeeded.  He brought me to my knees and I was completely dependent on Him.  He brought me to the realization that this feisty parrot was His creation, and my care for Simon was part of God's plan.  I was going to learn what God wanted me to learn through Simon, no matter how frustrated and discouraged I felt.  I failed by myself, but I succeeded through God.

I failed to find a job over the last four months, even now, I feel like I'm failing. "I should have tried harder." "A bad economy isn't an excuse." "I'm just lazy." These are the thoughts that fill my mind and keep my awake at night.  I'm still learning what God's plan is through this period of my life.

I failed in several relationships this year.  I let things slide because it was too painful or I was too lazy.  I hate admitting that to myself, even more so to my friends who must feel I've disappeared off the face of the earth.  I don't like failing at relationships.  That is the one thing I've consistently done well; maintaining connections with people, even when we're separated by many miles.  Or at least, I thought I did.

I've failed in my relationship with God most of all.  Yes, I depended heavily on Him while I was going through a rough time, but once things got better, my desire for Him lessened.  I truly feel like I'm a "bad weather" Christian - and that is a huge failure to me.  I want to interrupt this cycle, to praise Him when things are coming together AND falling apart.

It's difficult to be out of control.  It feels awful to fail.

But I enjoy the small successes so much more now.

I got a temp job.  It's not a big thing to most people, but it's exciting to me.  It opens up a whole new world of experiences and opportunities.

Even in my failure, God lifts me up and brings me closer to Him.

I'm willing to try it, but it's God who will succeed.

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.4

I am so excited to be in Wheaton this weekend. I have the opportunity to take care of Simon for a few days, plus I get a free place to stay near friends without having to impose on anyone.

I took care of Simon for six months while his family was in Peru. Simon is a beautiful macaw. We had our struggles at first. Lots of biting and screeching, etc. But within a month or too, we had really bonded and would sing together while I did housework or went for walks around the yard. I'm hoping he remembers me and I don't have to spend the entire weekend dodging his sharp beak. Simon's family lives in the most wonderful old farmhouse with lots of bedrooms, a secret staircase, and a wine cellar. It's one of my favorite houses of all time. I'm really looking forward to having a little - okay, a LOT - of space to myself. It was a weird transition moving back to my parent's home: going from an empty house to a full house (Loved that show!) with people in and out and around all of the time! Somedays, I'm still not used to it.

I'm also really excited to hang out with my friend, Katie. She's awesome! So creative and sweet! She just opened an etsy shop called "Under the Redwood Tree" and you should totally check it out. And her blog, "Work in Progress" where she showcases all of the creative things she does and keeps everyone updated on her busy life. Katie and I had coffee nearly every week while we were in grad school. We loved getting our favorite drink at Starbucks and then perusing the various shops nearby, searching for inspiration and special treasures. We originally met and became close through our "triad" - a semester long group project. The other third of our triad was Justina and I'm hoping she'll be around this weekend, too, though it's unlikely as she lives farther away than I do. (Below: our triad at graduation last spring)

I'm hoping to see other grad school friends as well. But I really miss my boys! I was their nanny for two years (all thru grad school) and it's been weird not seeing them everyday. We skype occasionally, but it's not the same. (Below: Aaki and Ash hold a valentine they made)

And that's really what this post is about, I guess. I was really close to some of the people in my cohort. For the first year and half of the second, we saw each other at least twice a week because we had all of our classes together. But apart from Katie, Justina, and a few others, I didn't have nearly the depth of relationship with my fellow graduate students that I had with Ash, Aaki, their mom, and their neighbors.

And I think the reason that it was like that makes sense. I lived life with Ash and Aaki.

Whereas I merely interacted with graduate school, most of the time. I was friends with my fellow students while I was at school, I was happy to randomly see a familiar face outside of school, and I found it diverting to socialize with them. But it wasn't real life. At least not for me.

In fact, I lived with a few students for about a year. And it was frustrating to live separate but parallel lives, in the same house, with the same group of friends, and going to the same classes. We weren't living life together. We all had separate jobs, separate internship sites, separate cars, separate churches, and separate routines. Even now, I don't know what I could have done differently to live life together with them.

I guess, what I'm saying and thinking about, in regards to relationships is in order for relationships to grow, be maintained, and flourish, there must be consistency, consideration, and collaboration. (3C's)

Consistency: I cared for Ash and Aaki everyday, morning and afternoon for two years. Every morning, we read the bible and ate breakfast together and every afternoon, we had the same routine: put stuff away, change clothes, snack, homework, play, dinner, play, bedtime story, sleep. They knew me and I knew them because we did the humdrum of life together.

The reason Katie and I became such good friends is we made a point to meet every week for coffee: same time, same place. 10:30 am, every Wednesday, Starbucks. And talked. We talked and listened and thought about we how were talking and listening.

Consideration: If Ash or Aaki had a meltdown, or I had a headache, our routine shifted to accommodate new developments. Sometimes it made us late, but that really only bothered me and their teachers, and that's life.

Between Katie and I, it was okay for one, or often both, of us to raincheck our normal coffee date time. Life happens. And when it did, we understood and made plans to meet another time during the week or skip it. No one got mad, or hurt, or upset. We just picked up where we left off the next week.

Collaboration: I always strived to allow Ash and Aaki to have a strong sense of self determination, especially when they had behaved well enough to earn a special treat or outing. But it's different relationship between an adult and children, than it is between two friends. Even so, I felt it was important for our relationship that their opinions were given weight and, if earned, they got to do what they wanted to do if it was within my power to make it happen.

During the summer, it was at first difficult to find a time to meet for coffee that worked with both Katie's and my busy schedules. But we sat down, put our heads together and made it work because our relationship was important to us. We were both willing to sacrifice some non-essential activities in order to connect. It was a priority.

Relationships that don't work; that fizzle or implode, often do so because one or both parties do not prioritize the relationship. So, if a relationship is important to you, treat it as such, take it out to coffee, or just live life with it conscientiously. Let your relationships know that they are important to you. Today. (Challenge extended.)

(If you're in the Wheaton area and would like to see me this weekend, please give me a call or fb me here. Thanks!)

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.2

What is most important in long-lasting romantic relationships?

Some say chemistry. Others, common interests. And, still others, commitment. I think everyone has a different answer of what they believe is most important to maintain a healthy relationship with a lifelong partner. And while I think chemistry, common interests, and commitment are important to sustaining a relationship between significant others, I don't think they are crucial.

In fact, I am fairly certain that the vast majority of the world does not share my view. I believe that theological agreement is most important in maintaining a healthy growing romantic lifelong relationship. That's right. I said "theological agreement." That means that we believe the same things about God. For example, God created the world in six 24 hour days. God sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for me, so I could go to heaven because without Jesus I am going to hell. I deserve to go to hell because I have sinned (that's right, me, I have sinned, once, twice, a hundred times, any which way I deserve to go to hell). Only faith in Jesus saves me from hell and only Jesus gives me the gift of eternal life with Him. These are the beliefs that significant others must agree on. There are other nuances of the Christian faith which are also crucial to the success of marriage. Interpretation of Ephesians 5, for example. (Look it up and comment below with your interpretation.)

Whether or not you and your significant other agree with my interpretation is not as important as if you and your sig oth's interpretations agree. Get it?

Also, helpful if your faith and interpretations are based on the truth of the Bible. That takes time, so the second more important aspect of a successful relationship would be a mutual willingness to learn, grow, and accept theological correction as necessary. So even if your interpretation changes, as long as you and your sig oth agree and base changes on the Bible, and you both agree, you're good.

If you agree, what would you put third?

If you don't agree, what's most important to you?

I'd love to start a dialogue and hear your point of view.