Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.12

A loving spoonful.

I love cookie dough.

I think it might be, wait... Yes. Chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite thing in the world.

It's probably the gooeyness and the intense amount of sugar. And of course, the chocolateness and nuttiness. (I always put pecans in mine.)

Most of all, I love chocolate chip cookie dough because it's so good but so bad at the same time.  I feel immediately that I'm doing something naughty, but it tastes so good I just can't help myself.

And I'm so silly.

If I waited until the dough was baked, I would have delicious warm chocolate chip cookies.  Cookies that last for days!  Cookie dough goes sour or dries up if I try to save it.  (And believe me, I've tried!)

In order to make cookies, I have to preheat the oven. 375º no more, no less.  The environment must be prepared and perfect.

And I have to wait.  I think that's what makes cookie dough so much more alluring.  No waiting.  Mix together some random [carefully measured] ingredients and BOOM! A delicious treat to bring me bliss, albeit temporary, since one bite is never enough.

I don't know why I hate waiting so much, maybe because I'm an American and I typically don't have to wait for anything.  Every want is instantaneously met. (And shooting rabbit!)

However, cookie dough must be baked thoroughly to fulfill it's intended purpose: to become a cookie.  It's worth the wait once I have the cookie. But it's hard to look at that dough and not take a little taste.  Just to hold me over.

Of course, I always regret it.  Especially, once the cookies are baked and I'm suddenly too full to enjoy them.  And I look at my pitiful pile of baked cookies and realize that most of my intended cookies have already been devoured before they were ready.

Intimacy is like cookie dough.

I want intimacy.

I want to be indescribably close to someone.

And when I get the opportunity to have that feeling, even for a moment, I want to take it!

I want to tell him a secret, something I've never breathed to anyone.  I want to trust him completely.  I want to take his hand while we watch a movie.  I want to let him hold me deep in his embrace when I feel like crying.  etc.

But, afterward, I don't like the feeling that I've given something away to someone that wasn't intended for him.

I don't like knowing that I have done something that I wasn't ready for.  I thought I was ready, but I have been wrong every time.

And I don't want to go through my life, eating cookie dough, and have nothing left to put in the cookie jar for my future husband.

Now what?

I'm going to have to think about it.  And probably make some difficult decisions about how I relate to men.  There is one way that intimacy isn't like cookies, I can't just make more.  I only have one heart to give, and it get's smaller every time I give a piece away to someone who won't receive all of it.

Watermark, Vol.2, Ep.1

I know most of you probably know about "follow friday" which is all well and good.  But, personally, I prefer unexpected alliteration - always have.  Thus: It's PHOTO FRIDAY!  Below are some of my favorite photos.  I'm a bit of a photographer so all of these photos were taken, edited, and now copyrighted by me.  (So if you want to share them with others, please do, but please give me a little credit, Thanks!)

Juliet

Dawn

Dallas

Dakota

Farm House

Marsh

Parents

Brothers

A-Team

Teal

Star

Johanna

Kayla

Mwari

Sunflower

Rochester

Iq

Farmer's Market

Ernie

Smile

Sisters

Apostrophe, Vol.26, Ep.57

Hello Friends!

I love Valentine's Day!  It's my holiday!  I feel like everyone has a favorite holiday or time of year and Valentine's Day is mine.  In Wisconsin, where I live, it falls in the dead of winter when everyone has cabin fever and nothing to do except shovel snow and attempt to stay upright while scurrying over the ice from house to car to job and back again.  It's not a joyous time, so I like to bestow a little joy on all of my friends in the form of snail mail.  And this year, if you want a Valentine, I'll send you one!  Direct message me on twitter at @livehappilyever or on tumblr with your address.

This Valentine's Day, my dear friend, Johanna, and I are making dinner for some of our friends.  So if you have any suggestions on how to make this platonic dinner fun and not sad, I'd love to hear them!

Also, as a gift to some of our favorite people, myself, Angela, and a few others are thinking of offering free babysitting but we want to have a little fun with our couple friends so we're making them fill out a questionnaire about their love lives.  Best answers win!  So, we also need suggestions for awesome and heartwarming questions to ask them... so far we're thinking "how did you meet?" and so forth, but if you think of something brilliant. Please let me know!

And there you have three fabulous reasons that I love Valentine's Day!  I love doing things for people: spreading joy, cooking delicious food, and caring for children.  It's just one of the ways that I can show people I care about them.  Too many people focus on the romantic side of Valentine's.  And that's fine.  And I hope someday I'll have something like that, but even then, I still want to spread joy and love and make people feel special!

What are your plans for Valentine's Day?  Need ideas? I have lots!

Love Always,

Charity

Comma Vol.1, Ep.7

Dear Future Husband,

Love You Forever,

Charity Ellen Your Last Name

Watermark, Vol.1, Ep.11

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.5

Is anyone listening?

I mean, really listening?

It's frustrating, isn't it?  To feel like no one is listening to you.  That no one values what you say.

It's frustrating to me.  I feel angry and sad and hurt when I am not listened to.  It leads me to believe that I'm not worth listening to.  That what I say does not have value.  That who I am is not valuable.

A grad school professor often said that all behavioral and emotional problems in "normal and sane" individuals can be traced back to one of two basic beliefs about the self.

"I am unlovable" and "I am incapable."

When I am not listened to, I begin to believe one or both of these maladaptive beliefs.

And in my mind, there are only these two options.

Option 1: That I am incapable of adequately communicating my thoughts and ideas in a way that is acceptable to another person.

Option 2:  That I am unlovable and therefore unworthy of acceptance or attention from another person.

I don't like either of these options.

And it is one of my worst fears that one or both of these are true.  But, what my mind and heart always forget to tell me is that there is secret option 3.

It's the most likely scenario, and it's the truth.

Option 3:  The people I am speaking to are not listening because they are thinking about themselves and not me.  They are thinking about what they are going to say next, how they are being perceived, and when they are finally going to be able to speak again.  The fact that they are not listening to me has nothing to do with who I am, what I've said, or how I've said it.

And if I'm really honest, when they talk, there are times when I'm not listening to them either.

So, how do I get someone to listen to me?

I can't make someone listen to what I say or care about who I am.  But, I can control how I listen and care about them.  If I demonstrate that I am listening intently and I do care about who they are, then we can build a relationship of listening and caring for one another.

It's likely that once I begin to slow the conversation down and really listen to them, they will, in time, listen to me.  And if they continue being oblivious, then, by that time, we will hopefully have a strong enough relationship that I can tell them that I feel ignored when I speak to them.  

It will take time.

It may take more time than I am currently willing to give.

But, it will be worth it because people are worth investing in.

Check back tomorrow for some practical ways to listen.  Peace!

Tilde Vol.1, Ep.1

I love the way you say "goodnight"

I love this movie. Lullaby of Broadway.  And this song is one of my favorites, "I love the way you say goodnight".  

I'm just imagining my life in ten years.  Sitting on my sofa, working on my computer, and then peering around my laptop screen, I see two little girls with blonde curly hair, laying on their stomachs, fascinated by Doris Day and Gene Nelson.  

They watch the television intently until Doris and Gene begin to dance, then my girls, inspired by the music push themselves up and begin to twirl.  The older one says "watch me, mommy" as she spins, the smaller one watches her big sister and then tries to mimic her, calling out the same with much less annunciation.  They spin until the end of the song, throwing their arms out, abandoning their bodies, and then collapse onto the rug, laughing with dizziness.  

The oldest staggers to her feet and pushes up against the sofa to talk to me.  Then she crawls up beside me, resting her head against my arm, watching me type.  The younger continues watching the movie until she realizes that big sis is on the sofa and not wanting to miss out on the mommy action.  She runs over and flips her leg up on the sofa, almost losing her balance three times, she pulls herself up on the sofa and leans against my other arm.  Soon they are asking an endless store of questions, I answer patiently, of course, and then the next song starts and they're quiet again.  

A boy runs in, stopping directly in front of the tv and my older daughter yells for her big brother to move out of the way, he does so, reluctantly, after rolling his eyes.  He drops to the floor with a heave and then as the movie is ending he asks if I heard the baby crying.  I thank him as I get up to go into the nursery and he climbs up in my spot between his little sisters, I come back in holding the baby and wondering at the wonderful blessings sitting on my sofa and held in my arms.  

I smile as they clamor for another movie.  I turn off the tv and urge them to go play outside... and they run in front of me to get their shoes from the rug by the door.  Laughing as they push open the screen door.

Just a dream I have...

Ampersand Vol.1, Ep.5

I don't like to make resolutions.

Like too many people, I give up within a month, a week... a day.

So I don't make resolutions very often.  This year, 2012, I do have one that I think will improve my relationships and my personal character.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I too often jump to negative conclusions or assume the worst.

Especially with those I claim to love.

So this year, this month, this week, and today; when it seems like people I love are doing or saying things I don't understand, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm going to wait, I'm going to ask questions, and I'm going to remember that I love these people and they've proven they love me many times.

Hopefully, as I extend more grace to those I love, they will extend grace to me when I do and say things they don't understand.  Because, let's face it, I'm not perfect and I need even more grace than they do, for sure!

What are your resolutions? Or non-resolutions?

Happy Day One of 2012! 365 to go!

Watermark Vol.1, Ep.4

Watermark Vol.1, Ep.1

Ampersand, Vol.1, Ep.3

One of the common complaints I hear from friends that belong to the fairer sex is that men don't step up. Specifically, Christian men.

It seems, in general, that Christian men take all the time in the world to declare intentions to the object of their affection. Or never actually get around to doing that.

Thusly, us females tend to live in a state of complete confusion and tension. Thoughts rush around our brains like an express train on a twisted mountain ridge.

And it's so much easier to blame the guy. It's his fault for leading us on or not making a move.

We get so upset/irate/frustrated that we can react negatively/strangely. {We were going to walk in and she was going to say "sit down"}

However, we females are responsible for our decision to get on the erratic thought train, the rushing to and fro between "he loves me" and "he hates me." Get off the train! Even express trains have to stop sometimes. When you get the opportunity, gather your belongings and quickly exit through the nearest door.

If you're a guy and you like a girl, let her know. If you do not like a girl, let her know. Define the relationship either way. Do not lie, please. Do not try to soften the blow.

No more playing games, be honest, be truthful, be upfront, be kind, and believe your brother/sister in Christ. If you feel his/her words contradict his/her behavior, tell him/her! He/she may not realize how he/she comes across. He/she may have noticed some contradicting words/behaviors of yours as well. (Raise your hand if you are now completely on the "english needs a gender inclusive singular personal pronoun" bus after reading that paragraph. I nominate "slash.")

So, whether the object of your desire is moving too slow (i.e. not at all) or an acquaintance is, oddly enough, moving too fast and freaking you out. Take a deep breath, get off the train, and pray. Pray, pray, pray! Then tell him/her where you're at in the emotion arena and ask if he/she is in the same place, too.

Please, do not give ultimatums. Ask the question and while you wait for the answer, pray.

Life never goes the way you think it will. Pray, depend completely on God, and be patient.

In my experience, men need other good Christian men around them to talk about relationships, and encourage them to make a move, declare, and start a relationship with the right woman. Women need other good Christian women around them to talk about relationships, and encourage them to get off the erratic thoughts train and be patient while waiting for a relationship with the right man to start.

Friends, any sage words of advice? Thoughts? Please comment below or tweet me: @livehappilyever. Thanks!

Comma Vol.1, Ep.4

I found one of my journals with a bunch of my dfh letters! Expect a lot of randomness, coming at you!

"You know Michael, I wish you'd stop by for more than just losing your police tail" -Madelyn Weston (Burn Notice)

DFH,

I can't wait to curl up next to you and watch TV until we fall asleep. I love the sleep timer on my TV!

"I gotta take the over the roof and down the rain gutter exit." -Michael Weston (Burn Notice)

Haha! I can't wait to laugh out loud with you - I wonder what your laugh will sound like and if you'll love mine.

Love You Forever,

Charity (Your Last Name)

Comma Vol.1, Ep.3

One of my favorite blogs to follow is http://dearhusbands.blogspot.com/ and it is pretty much awesome. I actually went to college with most or all of the andalasia ladies, and yes, they are as awesome as their blog. Here is one of my own contributions to the dfh phenomenon. Love!

Dear Future Husband,

I hope you're willing to dance with me. I don't really know how to dance - like ballroom - but I know basic steps and I love love love to twirl. So if you can twirl me, I'll be happy.

Love You Forever,

Charity Ellen (Your Last Name)

Apostrophe Vol.26, Ep.53

Good Morning, World!

Today, I am thankful for good friends! Friends who go shopping with me for hours, keep me from purchasing MORE movies, share fries dipped in a chocolate shake, and lend me their power cord when mine breaks.

I am thankful for christmas lights, dropping temperatures that mean snow is near, and firelight on a cold and starry december night.

I am thankful for warm blankets, a new toothbrush, and just dance 3. Those three things aren't really related, except in that I am thankful for all of them.

I am thankful for good memories, discovering habits handed down from grandparents, and old friends, as close to me as family, who love me as me and don't expect me to be anyone else.

I am thankful for my family; father, mother, and brothers, my sneaky dog, and my sweet cat. Thank You, God, for parents who care for and support me, brothers who love me, a dog who comes when he's called, and a cat who loves only me (and my mother on good days).

And I am thankful for you, whoever you are, far or near. Thanks for reading, commenting, and challenging me and each other.

What are you thankful for?

Caret Vol.1, Ep.3

Outline from today's sermon at church:
What's my top priority?
Mark 12:28-34

And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, "Which commandment is the most important of all?" Jesus answered, "The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." And the scribe said to him, "You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that he is one, and there is no other besides him. And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength, and to love one's neighbor as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices." And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, "You are not far from the kingdom of God." And after that no one dared to ask him any more questions. (Mark 12:28-34 ESV)

1. When our view of God is small, our spiritual life will be mediocre.

2. We are to wholly love God.
a. We must love God with pure devotion.
b. We are to love God passionately.
c. We are to love God intellectually.
d. We are to love God powerfully lived out.

3. If we love God, we still love our neighbor.

4. Internal attitude is more important than external actions.