Favoritism kills families.
I know, sometimes, it's unintentional and unconscious. But it's wrong, it harms people and fractures relationships.
Okay, jump back. Favoritism is defined as the favoring of one person or group over others with equal claims. For example, a parent showing partiality consistently to one child over another child. An employer repeatedly praising the work of one employee while ignoring another who has performed equally well. An artist detailing the characteristics of one person in a family portrait while painting the others with broader - less defined - strokes. It's favoritism. It's wrong. Don't do it.
Oh, if only that were the end.
Obviously, in human relationships, there are people you are going to connect with more than others. It happens in the world, it happens in communities, and it happens in families. It happens. It's okay. That does not mean we have any less responsibility to treat one another justly and kindly.
I had a lot of roommates in college, we had problems, as all roommates do if you're honest. Some problems we resolved well. Some problems we did not resolve at all. However, I did my best to treat them well and similarly. And I expected the same treatment from them. When you're an adult, you act like one.
Children act like children. They don't understand why Daddy gave Susie a new bike and Billy has to mow the lawn to earn his own. Or why Mommy reads two picture books to Joe at bedtime, but puts on an audiobook for Jake. These examples are perfectly acceptable parenting techniques if the motives of the parents are for the benefit of the child and, as necessary, explained to the child in a developmentally appropriate manner.
To illustrate:
Acceptable, Susie is 3 and received a tricycle for her birthday, her older brother Billy is 12, has a perfectly good bicylce, but wants a BMX bike to keep up with his neighborhood friends.
Unacceptable, Susie and Billy are twins.
(Totally okay, and preferred, that children learn the value of their possessions and work for them in acceptable age and developmentally appropriate ways.)
Acceptable, Joe is scared of the dark and needs individual face time to fall asleep. Since his dad's deployment, Jake sleeps sounder to the recording of Daddy's voice reading a favorite story.
Unacceptable, Mommy claims a "headache" whenever Jake asks for a picture book story, every night.
(Totally okay, and awesome, if you record your voice telling a story to play for your children at bedtime, even better if it's a live performance.)
It often occurs that when adults return to their parent's or grandparent's home, for a gathering such as thanksgiving, they also return to the roles they have held since childhood. No matter how much adults have changed, healed the wounds of childhood, or moved on... a remark, a relational pattern, can reopen those wounds and they revert to their previous pattern of survival and the cycle of favoritism continues.
If this sounds familiar, be encouraged, you're not alone.
If you would like to see this changed for good, be aware, it takes time, effort, and a lot of God-given grace.
If you're a parent, know that you don't have to continue the cycle, you can instill positive and healthy relational patterns in your child's life.
It's worth it.
As a member of a family, an experienced child care provider, and (hopefully) a future mother, I urge you to be intentional and conscious of the effect your attentions, your words, and your actions, are having on the people and the relationships within your family.
Pray. (Favorite quote: "Prayer does not change God, but it changes him [her] who prays." -Søren Kierkegaard)
Strive, not to be fair, life is not fair, but to be kind, be just, and do your best.
Who was the favorite in your family? How does that make you feel?
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